Light and Change

In October 2009, I raced 24 hours of Moab for the first time. I did this race as a team of four. The race is approximately seventeen miles through red rock, sand, deep sand, dirt and triple x downhills. Racing as a team of four is done in relay style trading off as a rider comes in from completing her lap. 

Our team was part of several sub-teams in a very large camp. We were fortunate enough to have a cook, a bike mechanic, a charging station for our lights, and people assisting with keeping track of time, water bottles, and nutrition.

Because of the great support we had in our camp, and the fact I was doing the race as I relay, I did not have the expectation the race would be overly demanding—difficult yes, but nothing that would overly taxing.  I knew I had time between laps to eat, sleep, and prepare to go back out when my turn was up—at least 3 to 3 ½ hours; plenty of time.

The seventeen-mile lap is composed of triple X downhills, which can be dangerous. There is deep sand, which can be taxing, and of course because it is 24 hours you are riding in the dark. Now riding in the dark on a mountain trail can be fairly easy, but riding on red rock is difficult—or can be. There is no well-worn path you can see with your lights, so you have to be diligent in keeping your eyes open for the markings on the red, and hope you are lucky enough to be in a group when you hit the mesa.

What I discovered as I did the race is, I was unable to rest—sleep was difficult, and I got little if any sleep. At night it is freezing cold, between the 20s and 30s. Although it is October, you are in the desert, hence the cold evenings, and warm days. A lot of my time was spent in the kitchen and dining area, because that is where the heat was. We had tents and trailers to sleep in, but for some reason I could not sleep much. Despite having food prepared and cooked for us I struggled to get food down, and by the time I was preparing to go out on my final lap I was gagging and dry heaving when I tried to eat. My body did not understand why I was riding 17 miles, coming in, trying to eat, and then going back out again, and of course not sleeping.

By the time I was supposed to go out and do my final lap, our team was in second place.  But at this point I did not care. I was tired and fatigued. It was beginning to be the early morning hours, and I was exhausted. I no longer felt like racing, instead it became just a ride. A ride I needed to finish. I went out and began to pedal on. All I wanted to do was finish this lap.

At the first of the lap it was dark and difficult to see. At one point one of the pro riders from one of the sub-teams went by and let me know one of the teams I was racing, was going to come up and pass me. In a flat voice I said “I don’t care.” In my mind I was done, the race was over, and I just needed to find a way to somehow get to the end.

As I rode along it began to get a little bit lighter. The darkness was fading, and I was beginning to be able to see the trail and my surroundings without the use of my lights. Then little by little the sun started to peak through the rocks, and the trees. As I rode up onto the mesa. I saw the sun starting to rise in the horizon, and I began to see it’s direct light. It was so glorious, and beautiful.

And as I proceeded a little further the light began to touch me, and I felt the warmth of the light. As I felt that warmth, I had renewed energy. I started going a little bit more, and riding a little bit faster, and feeling a little bit stronger. As the sun kept rising, I kept getting stronger, and stronger, and going faster, and faster. I could feel the warmth of its rays.

After the mesa I had two big downhills with jumps, and rode through a very large sandpit. I rode as fast as I could through the downs, and actually flew face first in the sand pit. However, this did not discourage me, and I jumped up, and continued on to the trade off point (the finish line). I rode renewed. I hollered happily to my teammates. I had energy once again. I was ready to go. The sun had given me the energy I needed, and then some.

Just like my bike ride, at times, life can be difficult, and we end up trudging along. However, when we turn to Christ, he can change everything for us. Like the light on my bike ride, he is our light in life. He can take away the pain, carry the burdens, and change who we are. He can renew us. In Matthew 11:28-30 it says:

28 ¶ Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

Just like my bike ride it is not always going to be easy, and there will be falls, just as when I went face first into the sand pit. But he will be there to help you along, and give you what you need to go forward.

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You're Not Alone

When things do not go my way, or how I planned I always seem to be able to see the positive to the situation. However, just because I see the positive does not mean there will not be some sadness or confusion to the situation. I just try not to dwell on it too much and move on. However, recently I have struggled in this area. With the loss of my job, I have been searching for understanding. Understanding as to why I had the job, why go through the process of getting licensed in Iowa, and many other questions. Needless to say I have not exactly gotten the answer to these questions. Yet I continue to go forward, and trust Heavenly Father will guide me on the path I need to go. This has been difficult, because I have no idea what I am supposed to do, or what Heavenly Father would like me to do, so I only hope and pray I am heading in the right direction. This has weighed down on my, and his weight has caused an immense amount of sadness as I struggle to understand the purpose or reason for my current circumstances. Many times I have dropped to my knees looking for understanding, solace, peace, and guidance. I know that Heavenly Father is there, and I need to trust the plan he has set out for me, but it has not been easy.

The week prior to Thanksgiving was especially difficult.,There were many days I drove to work with tears streaming down my cheeks, praying for help and guidance. During one of these prayers, I was feeling so alone, and prayed that one person would take the time to say they were thinking of me--just one. I needed to know that I was not alone, because right then I felt very alone. I knew God was there, but I needed something, some way he could reach out to others to let them know I was in need. I needed to see I was not alone.

Heavenly Father answered my prayer, and it came in just the way I needed. Midweek I received a text from someone in the ward saying, "Been thinking about you today. I hope you are doing well." That was all I needed, this was the message that let me know that I was not alone, but it did not stop there. A couple of days later I received another text from a close friend thanking me for being there for her throughout the bar--a reminder to me that heavenly father was thinking of me. Another reminder, another way to let me know I was not alone. On several occasions I was guided to a talk by President Uchtdorf' "Being Grateful in any Circumstances." I read it several times, it helped, but despite these manifestations, I continued to feel a burden of deep sadness. It helped to know Heavenly Father was there for me, but I struggled to overcome the deep sadness I was feeling of not achieving my dreams or goals at this time. 

Because of this I decided I needed to be more proactive in my overcoming these feelings. I woke up Sunday, and decided I would fast and pray for help. I turned to the Lord asking him to help me overcome these feelings, and to feel the peace that I knew was there waiting. This was not going to be easy, because part of my time fasting was going to be at the homeless shelter doing food prep. However, I made it through the day, and was blessed. The talks in church were direct reminders of Christ's Atonement, and how he can help us in our sorrows. My lesson in primary focused on Moroni chapter 7, a great reminder of having faith, hope and charity--it also happened to focus on my favorite scripture. I also had the opportunity to serve others, However, one of the biggest helps came after church.

After church I had the opportunity to talk to a friend and colleague from another ward. He described to me his journey as he began his career in law--the ups and downs, as well as the journey trying to figure out where he was to practice law. His story helped me better understand my journey, and the process, and that I am not alone. The most poignant part of our conversation was at the end when he told me "you've been on my mind." Those were the words I needed to hear. Those were the words that told me Heavenly Father was looking out for me, he was watching over me, and he cared.

 Throughout this last week, I have been touched by Heavenly Father in many different ways, and had small and tender mercies provided to me showing me how much Heavenly Father loves and cares for me. Although the peace did not come immediately, it did come. I know the journey is not going to be easy, but I also know that I am not alone, and I am grateful for the small blessings I received throughout the last week showing me I am not alone.