You're Not Alone

When things do not go my way, or how I planned I always seem to be able to see the positive to the situation. However, just because I see the positive does not mean there will not be some sadness or confusion to the situation. I just try not to dwell on it too much and move on. However, recently I have struggled in this area. With the loss of my job, I have been searching for understanding. Understanding as to why I had the job, why go through the process of getting licensed in Iowa, and many other questions. Needless to say I have not exactly gotten the answer to these questions. Yet I continue to go forward, and trust Heavenly Father will guide me on the path I need to go. This has been difficult, because I have no idea what I am supposed to do, or what Heavenly Father would like me to do, so I only hope and pray I am heading in the right direction. This has weighed down on my, and his weight has caused an immense amount of sadness as I struggle to understand the purpose or reason for my current circumstances. Many times I have dropped to my knees looking for understanding, solace, peace, and guidance. I know that Heavenly Father is there, and I need to trust the plan he has set out for me, but it has not been easy.

The week prior to Thanksgiving was especially difficult.,There were many days I drove to work with tears streaming down my cheeks, praying for help and guidance. During one of these prayers, I was feeling so alone, and prayed that one person would take the time to say they were thinking of me--just one. I needed to know that I was not alone, because right then I felt very alone. I knew God was there, but I needed something, some way he could reach out to others to let them know I was in need. I needed to see I was not alone.

Heavenly Father answered my prayer, and it came in just the way I needed. Midweek I received a text from someone in the ward saying, "Been thinking about you today. I hope you are doing well." That was all I needed, this was the message that let me know that I was not alone, but it did not stop there. A couple of days later I received another text from a close friend thanking me for being there for her throughout the bar--a reminder to me that heavenly father was thinking of me. Another reminder, another way to let me know I was not alone. On several occasions I was guided to a talk by President Uchtdorf' "Being Grateful in any Circumstances." I read it several times, it helped, but despite these manifestations, I continued to feel a burden of deep sadness. It helped to know Heavenly Father was there for me, but I struggled to overcome the deep sadness I was feeling of not achieving my dreams or goals at this time. 

Because of this I decided I needed to be more proactive in my overcoming these feelings. I woke up Sunday, and decided I would fast and pray for help. I turned to the Lord asking him to help me overcome these feelings, and to feel the peace that I knew was there waiting. This was not going to be easy, because part of my time fasting was going to be at the homeless shelter doing food prep. However, I made it through the day, and was blessed. The talks in church were direct reminders of Christ's Atonement, and how he can help us in our sorrows. My lesson in primary focused on Moroni chapter 7, a great reminder of having faith, hope and charity--it also happened to focus on my favorite scripture. I also had the opportunity to serve others, However, one of the biggest helps came after church.

After church I had the opportunity to talk to a friend and colleague from another ward. He described to me his journey as he began his career in law--the ups and downs, as well as the journey trying to figure out where he was to practice law. His story helped me better understand my journey, and the process, and that I am not alone. The most poignant part of our conversation was at the end when he told me "you've been on my mind." Those were the words I needed to hear. Those were the words that told me Heavenly Father was looking out for me, he was watching over me, and he cared.

 Throughout this last week, I have been touched by Heavenly Father in many different ways, and had small and tender mercies provided to me showing me how much Heavenly Father loves and cares for me. Although the peace did not come immediately, it did come. I know the journey is not going to be easy, but I also know that I am not alone, and I am grateful for the small blessings I received throughout the last week showing me I am not alone.

Just Keep Swimming

It seems like despite everything going crazy around me, that I keep getting message of hope, to carry forward. All week my login screen was a picture of tropical fish, and in the center it said, "keep on swimming--Dory." It reminded me of the movie and how this small little fish kept going, she kept swimming. Each day I saw this it was a reminder to not give up, to keep on moving. It was the encouragement I need to get through the day.

Although things are not perfect, they are better than last week. I had an interview Wednesday for a law clerk position, and got the job. It's only 15 hours a week, but it will help. In the mean time, I will keep looking, and hopefully something will turn up. The plus side is it will allow me to study for the bar more than I had originally planned. My little family is being watched over.

Last night my fish disappeared, and today on my phone I saw this.

"Our destiny is not determined by the number of times we stumble, but by the number of times we rise up, dust ourselves off, and move forward." --Dieter F. Uchtdorf (You can do it now)

So today I dust myself off, and keep on swimming.

Not My Will, But Thy Will

 A lot of my focus in life is living the way Christ and Heavenly Father would want me to live. Following the path that they have planned for me, and trusting in the process. This is much easier said than done. Sometimes it can be scary trying to figure out exactly what it is I am supposed to be doing and what direction I need to go. However, when I follow, and I trust in the process I have never been let down.

A great example of this is how I ended up working at Ancestry.com. The housing market had crashed, and unemployment was high—jobs were scarce. I had just become a causality of the times, and lost my job due to downsizing. A job became available at Ancestry.com, but is was in the call center. This job would cut my income by more than half of what I had been earning before. I prayed about the job, and decided to take it not knowing what the future would bring. It was humbling working in a call center, but I knew it was the right place to be. Within less than a year I was promoted out of the call center, and into corporate increasing my wages close to what I had been earning before. During this time, I became a single mom. It turns out by working at ancestry.com I not only had the financial capabilities of providing for my family, but the flexibility. I could go to work early, and leave early if necessary. This turned out to be valuable when it came to being with my daughter. I could attend her school functions, and when she got a severe concussion and had to stay home for a month. I had the opportunity to work from home as I needed. This would have been difficult anywhere else. By trusting in God, and trusting in the process everything turned out for the best.

This brings me today. Having failed the Nebraska bar by less than a point, I wondered what I was to do next. Do I take the bar, or do I try to get licensed in one of the fifteen other states I was eligible to work? Not sure I decided to reach out and do some networking in Iowa, and see what the results would be. I chose Iowa, because it borders where I live, and I would not have to move my daughter her senior year.

The networking paid off, and within a week I found a job forty to fifty minutes away from my home. The way the job became available, I knew this was the right place, and I knew God had put me on the path he intended for now. I quickly sent off my $525, along with my application, to the Iowa bar admissions and began work immediately.

Although I could not practice law immediately. I could be a law clerk while I awaited the approval of my bar application. This allowed me many great opportunities to go to court, draft various documents, and get to know criminal law—not an area I had practice before. However, it did not take long for me to realize that I was not going to be at the job if I had expected. Things were not what they had seemed, or what I had been told. I prayed for guidance, as things began to turn less than optimal. My decision was to begin looking for a new job. The plan was to being looking this weekend. It turned out that my decision was expedited.

On Friday, around noon, my boss told me that he had decided he did not want to grow his firm. He had taken me on to see if he wanted an associate, and decided this was not the direction he wanted to go. My work he said was fine, and I would be an excellent lawyer, but he wanted to keep things small. However, he would be happy to assist me in any way he could in finding a job. That was it. The job was over, and I no longer had an income coming in. In addition, I had just stopped getting food stamps because I was working. Then there was the $525 for a license I would not be using anytime soon. As well as some other expenditures, I had made because I did have a steady income that I had not planned on being cut short. Luckily I got ahold of SNAP, and had my food stamps reinstated. As far as the license, I’m still waiting on the background check, so I cannot work as an attorney now, and thank goodness I applied to retake the bar in February.

I have felt lost throughout this time. I knew that I needed to leave the job. I knew that it was not right for me, but originally it was. But why? What was the purpose heavenly father had in mind? Why did he put me at that job, and then allow it to go away? What am I supposed to do? I feel so lost, and unsure of the direction I am supposed to go. What is it the lord wants me to do?

Then it came to me today as I woke up. Luke 22:42-43, “not my will, but thine, be done.” The thing that I have said throughout my entire law school journey. I would do whatever it is he has planned for me to do. As I read verse 43 the following stood out, an “angel from heaven [will] strengthen [you].” Despite the fact I do not know what to do. Despite the fact I have no idea of the result, I know that heavenly father will be here for me. He will strengthen me, support me, and take me on the best path. Yes, it is scary, yes I feel lost, and yes I am somewhat confused as to where I am supposed to go. But right now, I feel comforted, because I know he will not lead me wrong, and he will be there for me every step of the way.

It Was Not Easy

In 47 days I will graduate from law school. Although it has gone by fast, in some way sit seems so long ago that I started--my first year of school seems like a distant memory. The journey has been a lot harder than I expected. There has been a lot of lost sleep, stress, and lonely times. As a single mom law school can be an isolating an experience. When you are not studying, you are attending your child's activities, and caring for your family. This includes cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping and general upkeep of the house, oh and don't forget the carpooling, school events, parent teacher conferences, committees you volunteer on, late nights as your child does their homework, and late nights listening to your child--trying to be a good parent. There have been many times I have jokingly said I would like to have a wife, just so I could have time to do a few of the things I enjoy the most. Law school is about sacrifices, and both my daughter and I have made many sacrifices along the way.

No, it has not been easy. I have had people belittle me, talk about me behind my back. make fun of me, and criticize me in some very malicious ways. It has made for a very hard, lonely road at times. However, along this lonely journey I have come to know some really great people who have helped me along the way. There was the home teacher and his wife that supported and cared for my daughter and I, giving us someone to turn to when we needed it most. The best friend at school who stood by my side during some of the toughest times. The "Angel" who gave my daughter the cutest clothes when she learned my daughter had out grown her clothes, and I had no way to provide her with new ones. The professor who took the extra step of listening, in a week when the whole world seemed to be crushing down, not only listening, but taking action to help. The professor who rallied the staff to stand behind one of their own, a feat I will never forget, Finally, there was the community of lawyers who saw a need and reached out and helped someone they did not know.

Law school has not been easy, in fact it has probably been one of the most difficult things I have done to date. But I would not change a thing. This experience has caused me to grow, to stretch, and become a new person--one I hope that will succeed in helping others. No, it was not easy, but in the long-run it will be worth it.