We Were Not Meant to do it Alone

For anyone that has read this blog, or knows me, you know I love to ride bikes. I often joke riding a bike is my Prozac. It brings peace to my soul, it energizes me, and I often get great thoughts when riding my bike.

When I lived in Utah I would ride by myself, and with some very close friends. It was nice, because there always seemed someone available to go for a ride. Since leaving Utah the majority of my rides have been by myself. These rides are great, and help me with a lot of introspection.

Recently I went to Utah for a few days, and got to ride with two of my best friends. One day was a classic ride up South Fork with one best friend. The next day was a new ride in Mapleton with another best friend. However, there was a lot on my mind I needed to sort out, and I felt I needed to go for a ride by myself. I felt like I needed alone time. This is what I do at home. I pound on the bike, work out the excess energy, and process everything that is currently going on in my life. It works.

The plan  was for me to ride alone early in the morning, and then later go for a short mountain bike ride on the fat bikes with my best friend. I woke up relatively early for vacation, and proceeded to ride. As I was riding I kept feeling like I needed to turn around, and go back and ride with my best friend. But I kept going. The feeling came to me again, but I kept riding. Then the thought came to me "you did not come to Utah to ride alone; you can ride alone at home." I continued to ride. The feeling continued, and got stronger, along with the thoughts. I knew I needed to turn around, so I did. (All of this occurred within 5 miles).

As soon as I turned around and rode back the thought came to me "God does not want you to do it alone."

Heavenly Father wants you not only to turn to him, but he wants you to turn to others, to let others be there for you, to help you along the path. As I rode back to be with my friend, one of my best friends, there was joy in my heart.

Later that day I went on the same trail with my best friend. We laughed, took goofy pictures, and rode much further than I would have by myself. I did not think about what was going on, but instead just had fun, and got way more out of the ride than I would have by myself.

There are times we need to be alone, but don't let it cause you to shut out others. Remember that God does not want you to do it alone. He wants you to have others in your life, to share in your experiences--good and not so good.

"We were not placed on this earth to walk alone." --Thomas S. Monson

Light and Change

In October 2009, I raced 24 hours of Moab for the first time. I did this race as a team of four. The race is approximately seventeen miles through red rock, sand, deep sand, dirt and triple x downhills. Racing as a team of four is done in relay style trading off as a rider comes in from completing her lap. 

Our team was part of several sub-teams in a very large camp. We were fortunate enough to have a cook, a bike mechanic, a charging station for our lights, and people assisting with keeping track of time, water bottles, and nutrition.

Because of the great support we had in our camp, and the fact I was doing the race as I relay, I did not have the expectation the race would be overly demanding—difficult yes, but nothing that would overly taxing.  I knew I had time between laps to eat, sleep, and prepare to go back out when my turn was up—at least 3 to 3 ½ hours; plenty of time.

The seventeen-mile lap is composed of triple X downhills, which can be dangerous. There is deep sand, which can be taxing, and of course because it is 24 hours you are riding in the dark. Now riding in the dark on a mountain trail can be fairly easy, but riding on red rock is difficult—or can be. There is no well-worn path you can see with your lights, so you have to be diligent in keeping your eyes open for the markings on the red, and hope you are lucky enough to be in a group when you hit the mesa.

What I discovered as I did the race is, I was unable to rest—sleep was difficult, and I got little if any sleep. At night it is freezing cold, between the 20s and 30s. Although it is October, you are in the desert, hence the cold evenings, and warm days. A lot of my time was spent in the kitchen and dining area, because that is where the heat was. We had tents and trailers to sleep in, but for some reason I could not sleep much. Despite having food prepared and cooked for us I struggled to get food down, and by the time I was preparing to go out on my final lap I was gagging and dry heaving when I tried to eat. My body did not understand why I was riding 17 miles, coming in, trying to eat, and then going back out again, and of course not sleeping.

By the time I was supposed to go out and do my final lap, our team was in second place.  But at this point I did not care. I was tired and fatigued. It was beginning to be the early morning hours, and I was exhausted. I no longer felt like racing, instead it became just a ride. A ride I needed to finish. I went out and began to pedal on. All I wanted to do was finish this lap.

At the first of the lap it was dark and difficult to see. At one point one of the pro riders from one of the sub-teams went by and let me know one of the teams I was racing, was going to come up and pass me. In a flat voice I said “I don’t care.” In my mind I was done, the race was over, and I just needed to find a way to somehow get to the end.

As I rode along it began to get a little bit lighter. The darkness was fading, and I was beginning to be able to see the trail and my surroundings without the use of my lights. Then little by little the sun started to peak through the rocks, and the trees. As I rode up onto the mesa. I saw the sun starting to rise in the horizon, and I began to see it’s direct light. It was so glorious, and beautiful.

And as I proceeded a little further the light began to touch me, and I felt the warmth of the light. As I felt that warmth, I had renewed energy. I started going a little bit more, and riding a little bit faster, and feeling a little bit stronger. As the sun kept rising, I kept getting stronger, and stronger, and going faster, and faster. I could feel the warmth of its rays.

After the mesa I had two big downhills with jumps, and rode through a very large sandpit. I rode as fast as I could through the downs, and actually flew face first in the sand pit. However, this did not discourage me, and I jumped up, and continued on to the trade off point (the finish line). I rode renewed. I hollered happily to my teammates. I had energy once again. I was ready to go. The sun had given me the energy I needed, and then some.

Just like my bike ride, at times, life can be difficult, and we end up trudging along. However, when we turn to Christ, he can change everything for us. Like the light on my bike ride, he is our light in life. He can take away the pain, carry the burdens, and change who we are. He can renew us. In Matthew 11:28-30 it says:

28 ¶ Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

Just like my bike ride it is not always going to be easy, and there will be falls, just as when I went face first into the sand pit. But he will be there to help you along, and give you what you need to go forward.

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Please Do Not Feed the Missionaries Dessert!

Dear Ward Members,

The evening has come, and you are about to have the missionaries over for dinner. You have been anticipating this all day. You love the missionaries coming over. They bring a great spirit, and are full of fun conversation. You have planned and slaved all day to make the perfect meal--or maybe you haven't, and if you are like me you are trying to throw something together at the last minute, because you totally spaced they were coming.

They arrive and it is time to eat. Then you make your first mistake. You put food on their plate. You put A LOT of food on their plate. You know they are busy all day, and they need a good meal, and you are not sure they are getting enough to eat. In fact, you insist they should have seconds when they do finish what is on their plate.

Noooooo, this is wrong. Let them put food on their own plate. They know how much they can eat, and how much they need. If you put it on their plate they are obligated to eat all of it, because they have been told it is rude not to eat everything that has been provided. They do not want to hurt your feelings by not eating everything you have provided them. Hence, they eat everything, and them some. More than they want, and more than they need. Needless to say they end up having a little extra junk in the trunk.

You finish eating, and then it is time for dessert. STOP! Do you have dessert every day? If the
missionaries were not over would you be having dessert? If the answer is no, then DO NOT give them dessert. Honestly, they do not need it. They eat at a ward members home almost every night. So if every ward member gives them dessert they are having dessert almost every night. That is a lot of dessert! That is a lot of extra calories! That is more junk in the trunk.

Now I know you want our missionaries to be well fed, and they will be. You just do not need to go the extra mile piling on the food, or giving them dessert. Let them put the food on their plate, and lose the dessert. It still will be a great meal, and they will leave full and happy.

Sincerely,
A Missionary Mom whose daughter does not want more junk in the trunk.

Senior Soccer Tribute

This Tuesday, May 25, my daughter will have her final home soccer game. This night comes with mixed emotions. To see how far she has come in the last few years is nothing short of amazing.

Mandy has not played soccer for most of her life. In fact, when her high school season finishes, she will have completed her sixth year of soccer. Unlike most kids who have played since they were five or six, Mandy did not start soccer until she was twelve years old.

Mandy’s soccer journey began in 2012, the summer before she started seventh grade. It started somewhat haphazardly as all the teams were filled up, and no one wanted a player on their team who did not have experience with soccer. Luckily, I knew a coach at church that coached competitively. Although his team was full he agreed to let Mandy come to the team practices so she could learn soccer and develop her skills.

That summer Mandy worked hard. She conditioned with the team, practiced with the team, and conditioned and practiced on her own. She broke her arm at soccer camp that year, and continued to go to practices. As summer came to an end the coach approached Mandy and offered Mandy a spot on the team, but under one-condition—she would need to be in goal for one-half of each game. Mandy hesitantly agreed, not because she was not willing to be a goalkeeper, but because she had no idea what to do. However, her coach set time aside each week, and they practiced, and this was where Mandy became a goalkeeper. It also is where she started her love for goalkeeping. After that season she quit playing field, and went into the goal full-time.

Fast-forward to the summer of 2014, and Mandy is trying out to start her second year at OFC in Omaha. She makes the team, but this year the coach changes up some things. Mandy is going to play field half of the time, and be in goal half of the time. We are right back to where Mandy was when she first started to play. Mandy is excited for the change. It will improve her skills as a keeper. However, this change causes her to speculate if maybe she should play field instead of being a keeper. Then in walks the biggest influence in Mandy’s goalkeeper life—Seb Furness.

I will never forget the first practice Mandy had with Seb. She had been going back and forth about possibly playing field full time, and then she went to the first goalkeeper practice of the season. When I picked her up she was so excited. She had a renewed energy. All she could talk about was how much she loved being a keeper, and how great it was. After that practice, over time, she started to talk to Seb, and share with him her dreams for soccer, and what she would like to achieve. This was huge, because other than me Mandy had never told anyone about her soccer dreams.

Seb guided Mandy to help achieve her dreams. He allowed her to go to extra practices, and push herself to become a better goalkeeper. At times, he had to keep her from pushing herself so hard. Over the next two years Seb worked with Mandy not only as her goalkeeper coach, but also eventually as her team coach. He got her with other coaches in the club, who eventually utilized Mandy on their teams. From this Mandy learned the different coaching styles, but also found that other coaches appreciated her and had confidence in her abilities.

In the Spring of 2016 Seb left the club and the colleges he had been working for in the area to become the assistant coach at Colorado State University. I remember that day well, because I had a daughter who came home in a torrid of tears—those tears continued off and on for several weeks. Mandy did not just lose a coach, but she lost a mentor and someone that had the complete confidence in her that she could fulfill her dreams. That belief and Mandy’s hard work ethic perpetuated her to much bigger things. I often wonder what would have happened had Seb not come into Mandy’s life.

As Mandy’s senior year comes to a close I remember that twelve-year-old who told me she wanted to play soccer. I think of where she was then, all the struggles she has overcome, and how far she has come in such a short time. There will probably be a few tears Tuesday night as an era comes to an end. But in a few short months Mandy will begin playing soccer at the college of her choice. With a new chapter on the horizon, the future looks bright.

Bar Exam - Take Two

It’s late Saturday evening and I start to get a runny nose. At first I do not think anything of it, but as the evening progresses into night it gets worse. By the end of the night I can tell I am getting sick. The timing could not be worse. I am a week and two days away from taking the bar exam, and I have one more week of intense study I need to accomplish. I wake up Sunday so sick that all I want to do is sleep. —fatigue, headache, runny nose. I end up missing church Sunday, which kind of freak’s me out. Going to church is my solace, my reprieve from studying, and a spiritual uplifting.

The week turns out to be a struggle. I am sick all week. I end up sleeping, studying, sleeping each day for an entire week. I fall behind in my studying, not too much, but enough to cause me concern. On Sunday I am still sick, but go to church—sick or not I need spiritual nourishment. Later that evening my home teachers come and give me a blessing and anointing. The blessing was exactly what I needed to help clear my mind and get me through the next few days.

When I wake up the next morning my mind is clear, my head does not hurt, and I feel less fatigued. I can actually think and study without sleeping. Although I am still sick, I am able to focus on one last subject before leaving to take the exam. Later that evening I arrive at my hotel room, and my roommate is already there studying. We catch up on life, and review a few concepts. As we talked I shared this scripture with her “But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you.” (John14:26) This scripture means everything to me. It is why I am writing this today. That night shortly before going to bed I had a thought to look up the business judgment rule (BJR). At some point either that night or in the morning I looked it up, and I memorized it. Just a few hours later I ended up needing it.

For two-days I took the worst exam in the world—for a second time. It was gross, there were things I did not know exactly, but knew a little, and some things I did not know at all. One thing I knew for certain was the BJR. While I took the exam, I was still sick. I had to take cough drops, and blow my nose. However, I was not tired (not until it was over), and I had a clear mind. Things were brought to my conscience that amazed me I could recall. It was like the scripture said the holy ghost brought “things to [my] remembrance.”

I left the exam exhausted, and pretty sure I did not pass. In fact, for about a week if you asked me I would have told you I did not pass. However, this is how we lose our faith and become discouraged, when we lose hope. I did a turnabout, and instead just let others know I do not know how I did, but I am hopeful. Next week the results are supposed to come out. I am still not sure what the results will be, but I am hopeful. Hopeful I passed, and hopeful I can practice law in Nebraska soon.

What if I do not pass? I am currently licensed to practice law in Iowa, and will begin looking for a job there. However, I am eligible to work in seventeen other states, and will look jobs in those states as well. I am not going to retake the bar. I am an attorney now, and I can practice law, which is part of my dream being realized. Pass or fail I know that heavenly father helped me that day, I know he guided me, and I know he brought thing to “my remembrance.” If I did not pass, well . . . it just was not meant to be, because he was there with me every step of the way.

It's Over

I am done studying! No more law school, and no more bar exam. I took the bar this week (Tuesday and Wednesday), and now it's over. I will get the results April 5th. In the interim I have lots of thoughts, and I am hoping that I eventually translate them to the blog. Only time will tell.

You're Not Alone

When things do not go my way, or how I planned I always seem to be able to see the positive to the situation. However, just because I see the positive does not mean there will not be some sadness or confusion to the situation. I just try not to dwell on it too much and move on. However, recently I have struggled in this area. With the loss of my job, I have been searching for understanding. Understanding as to why I had the job, why go through the process of getting licensed in Iowa, and many other questions. Needless to say I have not exactly gotten the answer to these questions. Yet I continue to go forward, and trust Heavenly Father will guide me on the path I need to go. This has been difficult, because I have no idea what I am supposed to do, or what Heavenly Father would like me to do, so I only hope and pray I am heading in the right direction. This has weighed down on my, and his weight has caused an immense amount of sadness as I struggle to understand the purpose or reason for my current circumstances. Many times I have dropped to my knees looking for understanding, solace, peace, and guidance. I know that Heavenly Father is there, and I need to trust the plan he has set out for me, but it has not been easy.

The week prior to Thanksgiving was especially difficult.,There were many days I drove to work with tears streaming down my cheeks, praying for help and guidance. During one of these prayers, I was feeling so alone, and prayed that one person would take the time to say they were thinking of me--just one. I needed to know that I was not alone, because right then I felt very alone. I knew God was there, but I needed something, some way he could reach out to others to let them know I was in need. I needed to see I was not alone.

Heavenly Father answered my prayer, and it came in just the way I needed. Midweek I received a text from someone in the ward saying, "Been thinking about you today. I hope you are doing well." That was all I needed, this was the message that let me know that I was not alone, but it did not stop there. A couple of days later I received another text from a close friend thanking me for being there for her throughout the bar--a reminder to me that heavenly father was thinking of me. Another reminder, another way to let me know I was not alone. On several occasions I was guided to a talk by President Uchtdorf' "Being Grateful in any Circumstances." I read it several times, it helped, but despite these manifestations, I continued to feel a burden of deep sadness. It helped to know Heavenly Father was there for me, but I struggled to overcome the deep sadness I was feeling of not achieving my dreams or goals at this time. 

Because of this I decided I needed to be more proactive in my overcoming these feelings. I woke up Sunday, and decided I would fast and pray for help. I turned to the Lord asking him to help me overcome these feelings, and to feel the peace that I knew was there waiting. This was not going to be easy, because part of my time fasting was going to be at the homeless shelter doing food prep. However, I made it through the day, and was blessed. The talks in church were direct reminders of Christ's Atonement, and how he can help us in our sorrows. My lesson in primary focused on Moroni chapter 7, a great reminder of having faith, hope and charity--it also happened to focus on my favorite scripture. I also had the opportunity to serve others, However, one of the biggest helps came after church.

After church I had the opportunity to talk to a friend and colleague from another ward. He described to me his journey as he began his career in law--the ups and downs, as well as the journey trying to figure out where he was to practice law. His story helped me better understand my journey, and the process, and that I am not alone. The most poignant part of our conversation was at the end when he told me "you've been on my mind." Those were the words I needed to hear. Those were the words that told me Heavenly Father was looking out for me, he was watching over me, and he cared.

 Throughout this last week, I have been touched by Heavenly Father in many different ways, and had small and tender mercies provided to me showing me how much Heavenly Father loves and cares for me. Although the peace did not come immediately, it did come. I know the journey is not going to be easy, but I also know that I am not alone, and I am grateful for the small blessings I received throughout the last week showing me I am not alone.

Just Keep Swimming

It seems like despite everything going crazy around me, that I keep getting message of hope, to carry forward. All week my login screen was a picture of tropical fish, and in the center it said, "keep on swimming--Dory." It reminded me of the movie and how this small little fish kept going, she kept swimming. Each day I saw this it was a reminder to not give up, to keep on moving. It was the encouragement I need to get through the day.

Although things are not perfect, they are better than last week. I had an interview Wednesday for a law clerk position, and got the job. It's only 15 hours a week, but it will help. In the mean time, I will keep looking, and hopefully something will turn up. The plus side is it will allow me to study for the bar more than I had originally planned. My little family is being watched over.

Last night my fish disappeared, and today on my phone I saw this.

"Our destiny is not determined by the number of times we stumble, but by the number of times we rise up, dust ourselves off, and move forward." --Dieter F. Uchtdorf (You can do it now)

So today I dust myself off, and keep on swimming.

Not My Will, But Thy Will

 A lot of my focus in life is living the way Christ and Heavenly Father would want me to live. Following the path that they have planned for me, and trusting in the process. This is much easier said than done. Sometimes it can be scary trying to figure out exactly what it is I am supposed to be doing and what direction I need to go. However, when I follow, and I trust in the process I have never been let down.

A great example of this is how I ended up working at Ancestry.com. The housing market had crashed, and unemployment was high—jobs were scarce. I had just become a causality of the times, and lost my job due to downsizing. A job became available at Ancestry.com, but is was in the call center. This job would cut my income by more than half of what I had been earning before. I prayed about the job, and decided to take it not knowing what the future would bring. It was humbling working in a call center, but I knew it was the right place to be. Within less than a year I was promoted out of the call center, and into corporate increasing my wages close to what I had been earning before. During this time, I became a single mom. It turns out by working at ancestry.com I not only had the financial capabilities of providing for my family, but the flexibility. I could go to work early, and leave early if necessary. This turned out to be valuable when it came to being with my daughter. I could attend her school functions, and when she got a severe concussion and had to stay home for a month. I had the opportunity to work from home as I needed. This would have been difficult anywhere else. By trusting in God, and trusting in the process everything turned out for the best.

This brings me today. Having failed the Nebraska bar by less than a point, I wondered what I was to do next. Do I take the bar, or do I try to get licensed in one of the fifteen other states I was eligible to work? Not sure I decided to reach out and do some networking in Iowa, and see what the results would be. I chose Iowa, because it borders where I live, and I would not have to move my daughter her senior year.

The networking paid off, and within a week I found a job forty to fifty minutes away from my home. The way the job became available, I knew this was the right place, and I knew God had put me on the path he intended for now. I quickly sent off my $525, along with my application, to the Iowa bar admissions and began work immediately.

Although I could not practice law immediately. I could be a law clerk while I awaited the approval of my bar application. This allowed me many great opportunities to go to court, draft various documents, and get to know criminal law—not an area I had practice before. However, it did not take long for me to realize that I was not going to be at the job if I had expected. Things were not what they had seemed, or what I had been told. I prayed for guidance, as things began to turn less than optimal. My decision was to begin looking for a new job. The plan was to being looking this weekend. It turned out that my decision was expedited.

On Friday, around noon, my boss told me that he had decided he did not want to grow his firm. He had taken me on to see if he wanted an associate, and decided this was not the direction he wanted to go. My work he said was fine, and I would be an excellent lawyer, but he wanted to keep things small. However, he would be happy to assist me in any way he could in finding a job. That was it. The job was over, and I no longer had an income coming in. In addition, I had just stopped getting food stamps because I was working. Then there was the $525 for a license I would not be using anytime soon. As well as some other expenditures, I had made because I did have a steady income that I had not planned on being cut short. Luckily I got ahold of SNAP, and had my food stamps reinstated. As far as the license, I’m still waiting on the background check, so I cannot work as an attorney now, and thank goodness I applied to retake the bar in February.

I have felt lost throughout this time. I knew that I needed to leave the job. I knew that it was not right for me, but originally it was. But why? What was the purpose heavenly father had in mind? Why did he put me at that job, and then allow it to go away? What am I supposed to do? I feel so lost, and unsure of the direction I am supposed to go. What is it the lord wants me to do?

Then it came to me today as I woke up. Luke 22:42-43, “not my will, but thine, be done.” The thing that I have said throughout my entire law school journey. I would do whatever it is he has planned for me to do. As I read verse 43 the following stood out, an “angel from heaven [will] strengthen [you].” Despite the fact I do not know what to do. Despite the fact I have no idea of the result, I know that heavenly father will be here for me. He will strengthen me, support me, and take me on the best path. Yes, it is scary, yes I feel lost, and yes I am somewhat confused as to where I am supposed to go. But right now, I feel comforted, because I know he will not lead me wrong, and he will be there for me every step of the way.

It Was Not Easy

In 47 days I will graduate from law school. Although it has gone by fast, in some way sit seems so long ago that I started--my first year of school seems like a distant memory. The journey has been a lot harder than I expected. There has been a lot of lost sleep, stress, and lonely times. As a single mom law school can be an isolating an experience. When you are not studying, you are attending your child's activities, and caring for your family. This includes cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping and general upkeep of the house, oh and don't forget the carpooling, school events, parent teacher conferences, committees you volunteer on, late nights as your child does their homework, and late nights listening to your child--trying to be a good parent. There have been many times I have jokingly said I would like to have a wife, just so I could have time to do a few of the things I enjoy the most. Law school is about sacrifices, and both my daughter and I have made many sacrifices along the way.

No, it has not been easy. I have had people belittle me, talk about me behind my back. make fun of me, and criticize me in some very malicious ways. It has made for a very hard, lonely road at times. However, along this lonely journey I have come to know some really great people who have helped me along the way. There was the home teacher and his wife that supported and cared for my daughter and I, giving us someone to turn to when we needed it most. The best friend at school who stood by my side during some of the toughest times. The "Angel" who gave my daughter the cutest clothes when she learned my daughter had out grown her clothes, and I had no way to provide her with new ones. The professor who took the extra step of listening, in a week when the whole world seemed to be crushing down, not only listening, but taking action to help. The professor who rallied the staff to stand behind one of their own, a feat I will never forget, Finally, there was the community of lawyers who saw a need and reached out and helped someone they did not know.

Law school has not been easy, in fact it has probably been one of the most difficult things I have done to date. But I would not change a thing. This experience has caused me to grow, to stretch, and become a new person--one I hope that will succeed in helping others. No, it was not easy, but in the long-run it will be worth it.