Bar Exam - Take Two

It’s late Saturday evening and I start to get a runny nose. At first I do not think anything of it, but as the evening progresses into night it gets worse. By the end of the night I can tell I am getting sick. The timing could not be worse. I am a week and two days away from taking the bar exam, and I have one more week of intense study I need to accomplish. I wake up Sunday so sick that all I want to do is sleep. —fatigue, headache, runny nose. I end up missing church Sunday, which kind of freak’s me out. Going to church is my solace, my reprieve from studying, and a spiritual uplifting.

The week turns out to be a struggle. I am sick all week. I end up sleeping, studying, sleeping each day for an entire week. I fall behind in my studying, not too much, but enough to cause me concern. On Sunday I am still sick, but go to church—sick or not I need spiritual nourishment. Later that evening my home teachers come and give me a blessing and anointing. The blessing was exactly what I needed to help clear my mind and get me through the next few days.

When I wake up the next morning my mind is clear, my head does not hurt, and I feel less fatigued. I can actually think and study without sleeping. Although I am still sick, I am able to focus on one last subject before leaving to take the exam. Later that evening I arrive at my hotel room, and my roommate is already there studying. We catch up on life, and review a few concepts. As we talked I shared this scripture with her “But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you.” (John14:26) This scripture means everything to me. It is why I am writing this today. That night shortly before going to bed I had a thought to look up the business judgment rule (BJR). At some point either that night or in the morning I looked it up, and I memorized it. Just a few hours later I ended up needing it.

For two-days I took the worst exam in the world—for a second time. It was gross, there were things I did not know exactly, but knew a little, and some things I did not know at all. One thing I knew for certain was the BJR. While I took the exam, I was still sick. I had to take cough drops, and blow my nose. However, I was not tired (not until it was over), and I had a clear mind. Things were brought to my conscience that amazed me I could recall. It was like the scripture said the holy ghost brought “things to [my] remembrance.”

I left the exam exhausted, and pretty sure I did not pass. In fact, for about a week if you asked me I would have told you I did not pass. However, this is how we lose our faith and become discouraged, when we lose hope. I did a turnabout, and instead just let others know I do not know how I did, but I am hopeful. Next week the results are supposed to come out. I am still not sure what the results will be, but I am hopeful. Hopeful I passed, and hopeful I can practice law in Nebraska soon.

What if I do not pass? I am currently licensed to practice law in Iowa, and will begin looking for a job there. However, I am eligible to work in seventeen other states, and will look jobs in those states as well. I am not going to retake the bar. I am an attorney now, and I can practice law, which is part of my dream being realized. Pass or fail I know that heavenly father helped me that day, I know he guided me, and I know he brought thing to “my remembrance.” If I did not pass, well . . . it just was not meant to be, because he was there with me every step of the way.

It's Over

I am done studying! No more law school, and no more bar exam. I took the bar this week (Tuesday and Wednesday), and now it's over. I will get the results April 5th. In the interim I have lots of thoughts, and I am hoping that I eventually translate them to the blog. Only time will tell.

You're Not Alone

When things do not go my way, or how I planned I always seem to be able to see the positive to the situation. However, just because I see the positive does not mean there will not be some sadness or confusion to the situation. I just try not to dwell on it too much and move on. However, recently I have struggled in this area. With the loss of my job, I have been searching for understanding. Understanding as to why I had the job, why go through the process of getting licensed in Iowa, and many other questions. Needless to say I have not exactly gotten the answer to these questions. Yet I continue to go forward, and trust Heavenly Father will guide me on the path I need to go. This has been difficult, because I have no idea what I am supposed to do, or what Heavenly Father would like me to do, so I only hope and pray I am heading in the right direction. This has weighed down on my, and his weight has caused an immense amount of sadness as I struggle to understand the purpose or reason for my current circumstances. Many times I have dropped to my knees looking for understanding, solace, peace, and guidance. I know that Heavenly Father is there, and I need to trust the plan he has set out for me, but it has not been easy.

The week prior to Thanksgiving was especially difficult.,There were many days I drove to work with tears streaming down my cheeks, praying for help and guidance. During one of these prayers, I was feeling so alone, and prayed that one person would take the time to say they were thinking of me--just one. I needed to know that I was not alone, because right then I felt very alone. I knew God was there, but I needed something, some way he could reach out to others to let them know I was in need. I needed to see I was not alone.

Heavenly Father answered my prayer, and it came in just the way I needed. Midweek I received a text from someone in the ward saying, "Been thinking about you today. I hope you are doing well." That was all I needed, this was the message that let me know that I was not alone, but it did not stop there. A couple of days later I received another text from a close friend thanking me for being there for her throughout the bar--a reminder to me that heavenly father was thinking of me. Another reminder, another way to let me know I was not alone. On several occasions I was guided to a talk by President Uchtdorf' "Being Grateful in any Circumstances." I read it several times, it helped, but despite these manifestations, I continued to feel a burden of deep sadness. It helped to know Heavenly Father was there for me, but I struggled to overcome the deep sadness I was feeling of not achieving my dreams or goals at this time. 

Because of this I decided I needed to be more proactive in my overcoming these feelings. I woke up Sunday, and decided I would fast and pray for help. I turned to the Lord asking him to help me overcome these feelings, and to feel the peace that I knew was there waiting. This was not going to be easy, because part of my time fasting was going to be at the homeless shelter doing food prep. However, I made it through the day, and was blessed. The talks in church were direct reminders of Christ's Atonement, and how he can help us in our sorrows. My lesson in primary focused on Moroni chapter 7, a great reminder of having faith, hope and charity--it also happened to focus on my favorite scripture. I also had the opportunity to serve others, However, one of the biggest helps came after church.

After church I had the opportunity to talk to a friend and colleague from another ward. He described to me his journey as he began his career in law--the ups and downs, as well as the journey trying to figure out where he was to practice law. His story helped me better understand my journey, and the process, and that I am not alone. The most poignant part of our conversation was at the end when he told me "you've been on my mind." Those were the words I needed to hear. Those were the words that told me Heavenly Father was looking out for me, he was watching over me, and he cared.

 Throughout this last week, I have been touched by Heavenly Father in many different ways, and had small and tender mercies provided to me showing me how much Heavenly Father loves and cares for me. Although the peace did not come immediately, it did come. I know the journey is not going to be easy, but I also know that I am not alone, and I am grateful for the small blessings I received throughout the last week showing me I am not alone.

Just Keep Swimming

It seems like despite everything going crazy around me, that I keep getting message of hope, to carry forward. All week my login screen was a picture of tropical fish, and in the center it said, "keep on swimming--Dory." It reminded me of the movie and how this small little fish kept going, she kept swimming. Each day I saw this it was a reminder to not give up, to keep on moving. It was the encouragement I need to get through the day.

Although things are not perfect, they are better than last week. I had an interview Wednesday for a law clerk position, and got the job. It's only 15 hours a week, but it will help. In the mean time, I will keep looking, and hopefully something will turn up. The plus side is it will allow me to study for the bar more than I had originally planned. My little family is being watched over.

Last night my fish disappeared, and today on my phone I saw this.

"Our destiny is not determined by the number of times we stumble, but by the number of times we rise up, dust ourselves off, and move forward." --Dieter F. Uchtdorf (You can do it now)

So today I dust myself off, and keep on swimming.

Not My Will, But Thy Will

 A lot of my focus in life is living the way Christ and Heavenly Father would want me to live. Following the path that they have planned for me, and trusting in the process. This is much easier said than done. Sometimes it can be scary trying to figure out exactly what it is I am supposed to be doing and what direction I need to go. However, when I follow, and I trust in the process I have never been let down.

A great example of this is how I ended up working at Ancestry.com. The housing market had crashed, and unemployment was high—jobs were scarce. I had just become a causality of the times, and lost my job due to downsizing. A job became available at Ancestry.com, but is was in the call center. This job would cut my income by more than half of what I had been earning before. I prayed about the job, and decided to take it not knowing what the future would bring. It was humbling working in a call center, but I knew it was the right place to be. Within less than a year I was promoted out of the call center, and into corporate increasing my wages close to what I had been earning before. During this time, I became a single mom. It turns out by working at ancestry.com I not only had the financial capabilities of providing for my family, but the flexibility. I could go to work early, and leave early if necessary. This turned out to be valuable when it came to being with my daughter. I could attend her school functions, and when she got a severe concussion and had to stay home for a month. I had the opportunity to work from home as I needed. This would have been difficult anywhere else. By trusting in God, and trusting in the process everything turned out for the best.

This brings me today. Having failed the Nebraska bar by less than a point, I wondered what I was to do next. Do I take the bar, or do I try to get licensed in one of the fifteen other states I was eligible to work? Not sure I decided to reach out and do some networking in Iowa, and see what the results would be. I chose Iowa, because it borders where I live, and I would not have to move my daughter her senior year.

The networking paid off, and within a week I found a job forty to fifty minutes away from my home. The way the job became available, I knew this was the right place, and I knew God had put me on the path he intended for now. I quickly sent off my $525, along with my application, to the Iowa bar admissions and began work immediately.

Although I could not practice law immediately. I could be a law clerk while I awaited the approval of my bar application. This allowed me many great opportunities to go to court, draft various documents, and get to know criminal law—not an area I had practice before. However, it did not take long for me to realize that I was not going to be at the job if I had expected. Things were not what they had seemed, or what I had been told. I prayed for guidance, as things began to turn less than optimal. My decision was to begin looking for a new job. The plan was to being looking this weekend. It turned out that my decision was expedited.

On Friday, around noon, my boss told me that he had decided he did not want to grow his firm. He had taken me on to see if he wanted an associate, and decided this was not the direction he wanted to go. My work he said was fine, and I would be an excellent lawyer, but he wanted to keep things small. However, he would be happy to assist me in any way he could in finding a job. That was it. The job was over, and I no longer had an income coming in. In addition, I had just stopped getting food stamps because I was working. Then there was the $525 for a license I would not be using anytime soon. As well as some other expenditures, I had made because I did have a steady income that I had not planned on being cut short. Luckily I got ahold of SNAP, and had my food stamps reinstated. As far as the license, I’m still waiting on the background check, so I cannot work as an attorney now, and thank goodness I applied to retake the bar in February.

I have felt lost throughout this time. I knew that I needed to leave the job. I knew that it was not right for me, but originally it was. But why? What was the purpose heavenly father had in mind? Why did he put me at that job, and then allow it to go away? What am I supposed to do? I feel so lost, and unsure of the direction I am supposed to go. What is it the lord wants me to do?

Then it came to me today as I woke up. Luke 22:42-43, “not my will, but thine, be done.” The thing that I have said throughout my entire law school journey. I would do whatever it is he has planned for me to do. As I read verse 43 the following stood out, an “angel from heaven [will] strengthen [you].” Despite the fact I do not know what to do. Despite the fact I have no idea of the result, I know that heavenly father will be here for me. He will strengthen me, support me, and take me on the best path. Yes, it is scary, yes I feel lost, and yes I am somewhat confused as to where I am supposed to go. But right now, I feel comforted, because I know he will not lead me wrong, and he will be there for me every step of the way.

It Was Not Easy

In 47 days I will graduate from law school. Although it has gone by fast, in some way sit seems so long ago that I started--my first year of school seems like a distant memory. The journey has been a lot harder than I expected. There has been a lot of lost sleep, stress, and lonely times. As a single mom law school can be an isolating an experience. When you are not studying, you are attending your child's activities, and caring for your family. This includes cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping and general upkeep of the house, oh and don't forget the carpooling, school events, parent teacher conferences, committees you volunteer on, late nights as your child does their homework, and late nights listening to your child--trying to be a good parent. There have been many times I have jokingly said I would like to have a wife, just so I could have time to do a few of the things I enjoy the most. Law school is about sacrifices, and both my daughter and I have made many sacrifices along the way.

No, it has not been easy. I have had people belittle me, talk about me behind my back. make fun of me, and criticize me in some very malicious ways. It has made for a very hard, lonely road at times. However, along this lonely journey I have come to know some really great people who have helped me along the way. There was the home teacher and his wife that supported and cared for my daughter and I, giving us someone to turn to when we needed it most. The best friend at school who stood by my side during some of the toughest times. The "Angel" who gave my daughter the cutest clothes when she learned my daughter had out grown her clothes, and I had no way to provide her with new ones. The professor who took the extra step of listening, in a week when the whole world seemed to be crushing down, not only listening, but taking action to help. The professor who rallied the staff to stand behind one of their own, a feat I will never forget, Finally, there was the community of lawyers who saw a need and reached out and helped someone they did not know.

Law school has not been easy, in fact it has probably been one of the most difficult things I have done to date. But I would not change a thing. This experience has caused me to grow, to stretch, and become a new person--one I hope that will succeed in helping others. No, it was not easy, but in the long-run it will be worth it.

Happy Mother's Day to My Second Mom

I lost my mom over twenty years ago.  There is nothing worse than losing a parent.  They are the ones who love you, teach you and are there for you to lean on.  I felt so lost and alone when my mom died.  I was pregnant and just about to have my first child.  I was embarking on an unknown world and did not have anyone there to help me.  Then along came Lynda.  She took my phone calls, with questions about “is this normal” in the pregnancy.  She traveled a couple of hours to the hospital after I had my baby, she was there for me.  Her being there for me didn’t end there.  As the years passed, it became more than simple phone calls.  It became a shoulder to cry on as I struggled through an abusive marriage, a crashing economy, and a child with a mental illness.  The cheerleader as I took on new life adventures.  She gave me a home to stay in when I became a single mom with a baby, $1,000 and nowhere to go.  She helped me through times when no one else was there.  She became my mom.

Thank you Lynda, for being my mom.  Thank you for loving me, caring for me and being the person I can turn to.  Happy Mother’s Day.  I love you.

Nebraska and Law School

Well it's been 7 weeks since Mandy and I arrived in Nebraska.  I thought I would get to write in my blog, but we literally hit the ground running.  We arrived on Friday and unloaded the moving van that evening.  The next two days were spent unpacking boxes and getting Mandy's stuff together to start school on Monday.  Mandy started school on Monday and I started on Thursday.  I think that is the fastest I have ever gotten unpacked and settled into a home.

Orem 6th ward helping pack the van

I towed this all by myself

Moving in

Our home is a small apartment, much different than the 4 bedroom home we lived in, in Orem.  However, I like how small it is, it means I have a lot less to clean up.  Which with the way my schedule is there is not a lot of time for cleaning.  My day starts early (5 am) to get Mandy to seminary by 6 am and me to school.  I usually get home at 4 pm and then have a break for an hour before it's off to soccer practice, or more studying.  Actually most of the time I am studying.  I have learned to study in the car, at choir concerts and soccer games.  For the most part every waking moment is spent studying--at least it feels that way.

First Day of School

Nebraska has it's pluses and minuses.  The plus, everyone here is really nice. There are a lot of smiles and hellos when you see people.  The minus, it is very bike antagonistic. Because there are only a few trails here and they are far away I have to ride road.  The roads here do not have shoulders, so you have to ride the sidewalk and back out of the way roads to get to country roads that have fewer drivers on it than in town.  Even the country roads do not have shoulders, but at least there are fewer cars on them.

Oh yes, and also the trees are still green here.  I love getting on facebook and seeing all the fall pictures.  I keep wondering what fall will be like here, but I can't imagine it is better than Utah.

Push Play

It has been almost 2 years since my last post, and a lot has happened since my accident and since my last post.  In the last 2 years I got a promotion at work, moved to a new home, took almost a year to recover from my bike accident, got a divorce and the biggest update...I was accepted to law school!!

In a week and a half Mandy and I will be moving to Omaha, Nebraska, so I can attend law school.  It is a bitter sweet moment for me.  I am excited about achieving a long desired dream, but I am sad to be leaving a place I love so much.  It is hard to leave the people I have come to love and care for so much.  It is hard to leave the mountains.  I am so lucky to wake up every morning and see the beauty right outside my window.  It is hard to leave a place I know so well and feel so comfortable.

However, with all the difficulties and the sadness of leaving I am on to a new adventure.  And that is the reason for updating my blog.  The best way to let everyone know about my new adventures I will be taking on will be through my blog.  So have fun reading and keep in touch.  It's time to push 'Play' on this blog!

Friends - Snow Basin Crash

The final ICup race.  The race that determined which team would take home the team cup and who would win the overall for the season.  For me there was no chance for any overall win, but it was a chance to put my legs to the test and ride a course I knew I could do well on.

Our start was a group start with the Men 57+, and the 13-15 years old.  My plans for this race was to take the first climb at a relaxed pace, the second climb put a little bit more umph to it, and then when I hit the singletrack to just pound.  Everything went as planned.  By the end of the first climb I was in last--no worries because I knew this was my course.  End of the second climb I passed on rider and entered into the singletrack with no one in sight.  I began to pound working my way along the course.  After a bit I began to worry I had let everyone get too far ahead and I might not catch them, but then I saw it.  I puff of dirt.  A good sign there were riders close by.

I continued to pound and soon was rewarded.  I saw riders.  Little by little I began to pass each rider.  And my thanks to each rider, this is the first time during an ICup race I didn't have to beg and plead to pass.  I began to pass women in my division.  Each of them were awesome and let me by.  After a moment I had worked my way from last to 3rd place.  I couldn't believe it.  I was feeling good, my legs were working well and I thought I could definitely hold this pace without blowing up.  Of course somewhere in the back of my mind came the thought "it's 2 laps, anything can happen in 2 laps".  Actually I have this thought every race, it's what keeps me going.

My race is going well, when I reach a little bit more of a climb than I planned for.  I slow down a bit, but still things are going well.  Then I hear a rider behind ask to pass--of course she is in my division.  I let her go without too much concern, because I knew in the next half mile I would be passing her back and I knew I could totally kill the downhill leaving her and others far behind.  We hit a nice flat spot again and my speed increased I decide now is the time to catch the girl that passed me not too long ago.  I hit a nice turn with a quick up, so I shift and go to pedal hard and that's it.  That's the last thing I remember. 

I don't remember flying through the air.  Not a thing, no seeing the ground, no flying through the air--I remember nothing.  I don't remember Colleen screaming.  The only reason I know she screamed is she told me.  The first thing I remember is hitting my head on rocks really hard.  So hard the first thought that came to my mind was "that's the hardest I've hit my helmet, I bet I broke it" Then the rest of my body hit and it was an instant shock to my spine, leg and hip.  My hip had hit a rock so hard that I knew I was not leaving that spot.  I lay there as Colleen asked me if I was okay.  Normally by this time I would have jumped up, said I was fine and took off.  Unfortunately this was not the case.  My response was no, I've hurt my hip and can't get up.

I stayed where I was and soon the rest of the women in my division rode up.  These women were great.  Marian took off to tell the course marshal's there had been and accident, Kory and Kat helped to slow down riders as they came around the blind corner, and Colleen kept the bugs off of me, kept checking to make sure I was doing okay and let the riders know to stop and get off to go around me. Eventually she and Kat stood right over me to keep riders from riding by me and to protect me from getting hurt.  For those who were at the race you know I was in a percarious place right by a group of rocks, and the safest way around me was to go around me--not ride around me, but get off and walk around me.   Apparently 2 riders thought the race was too important to take the 2 extra seconds to go around me and rode right up the rocks by me.  One slip and they would have landed on me and hurt me worse.  That is what led to Kat and Colleen standing over me.

While we waited the gals kept me entertained--good and bad, because laughing really hurt.  We had to wait a really long time for the EMT's to arrive--by long time, I mean long enough I believe almost every division passed us by before the EMT's got to me.  Which was fine, I wasn't going anywhere.  While waiting there wasn't one rider that didn't offer to help or show their concern as I laid stretched out across the trail. Each offered theirs words of concern and support.  There were many willing to give up their race to help and assist me.  We sent them on their way the Sport Women had it covered. 

When the EMT's arrived that's when it started to get really interesting.  By interesting I mean they started to assess my injuries.  It was then I discovered I hurt more than just my hip.  Ouch my shoulder hurt and yes my kneck is tender, oh and yeah those ribs don't feel too hot either.  Once the assessment was overwe had to wait for the rest of search and rescue to arrive.  While waiting the EMT explained to me they were going to backboard me and take me to the ambulance and then the ambulance would take me to the hospital.  I didn't like this idea and told them I needed to be dropped off at Snow Basin.  Colleen then gave me the motherly "Kendra you need to go to the hospital" talk.  She was right, but I really didn't want to leave--of course this thought left my mind the instant they backboarded me.

The crash it hurt, but not near as bad as the rest of the stuff I went through.  When they backboarded me I was screaming and crying in pain.  You see the whole right side of my body was injured from my shoulder all the way down my leg and there was no way they could get me on without pushing on an area that was injured.  Once on the board they secured me so tight there was no way I was going to budge an inch.  I was so disappointed I cried, I know that's dumb, but it just made me feel like such a wimp.  Collen and the girls made sure I got all of my stuff.  They kept search and rescue from cutting my camelbak, helped with my glasses and broken helmet and then made sure my bike was rescued too.  You see I kept worrying about my bike. 

I won't tell you the rest of the trip was good, because it wasn't.  The ride to the ambulance and the ride to the hospital was very painful.  And all the tests, cat scans and xrays were not without pain.  My initial diagnosis ended up with a mild concussion, whip lash, deep tissue bruising to my hip, bruised ribs and unknown to my shoulder.  I saw the sports medicine doctor on Monday and the diagnosis on the shoulder changed to broken scapula.  Two weeks later after an MRI and only mild improvement the diagnosis on the shoulder became a torn laberal and seperation of the ACL, no broken scapula.  It took almost 2 weeks before I was able to sit up for a good lenght of time, but little by little I have been feeling much better.  Surgery is next week and then I will be back on the bike about 6 weeks later--just in time for cross season.  A funny side note,there are no pictures.  Apparently none of us take our cameras with us during a race.

The part that will always remain with me was the kindness of each rider on the trail and all of the women in my division that gave up their race and placing to help me.  I always knew I raced with a cool bunch of women, but that day they proved just how really cool they were.  Last year I stopped my race to help another racer, this year it was returned ten fold.  I can't tell you how priveledged I feel to know these women as well as all the other riders who showed their concern and caring during and after the race.  I always knew the mountain bike community was great, but now it has been proven.