Just Keep Swimming

It seems like despite everything going crazy around me, that I keep getting message of hope, to carry forward. All week my login screen was a picture of tropical fish, and in the center it said, "keep on swimming--Dory." It reminded me of the movie and how this small little fish kept going, she kept swimming. Each day I saw this it was a reminder to not give up, to keep on moving. It was the encouragement I need to get through the day.

Although things are not perfect, they are better than last week. I had an interview Wednesday for a law clerk position, and got the job. It's only 15 hours a week, but it will help. In the mean time, I will keep looking, and hopefully something will turn up. The plus side is it will allow me to study for the bar more than I had originally planned. My little family is being watched over.

Last night my fish disappeared, and today on my phone I saw this.

"Our destiny is not determined by the number of times we stumble, but by the number of times we rise up, dust ourselves off, and move forward." --Dieter F. Uchtdorf (You can do it now)

So today I dust myself off, and keep on swimming.

Not My Will, But Thy Will

 A lot of my focus in life is living the way Christ and Heavenly Father would want me to live. Following the path that they have planned for me, and trusting in the process. This is much easier said than done. Sometimes it can be scary trying to figure out exactly what it is I am supposed to be doing and what direction I need to go. However, when I follow, and I trust in the process I have never been let down.

A great example of this is how I ended up working at Ancestry.com. The housing market had crashed, and unemployment was high—jobs were scarce. I had just become a causality of the times, and lost my job due to downsizing. A job became available at Ancestry.com, but is was in the call center. This job would cut my income by more than half of what I had been earning before. I prayed about the job, and decided to take it not knowing what the future would bring. It was humbling working in a call center, but I knew it was the right place to be. Within less than a year I was promoted out of the call center, and into corporate increasing my wages close to what I had been earning before. During this time, I became a single mom. It turns out by working at ancestry.com I not only had the financial capabilities of providing for my family, but the flexibility. I could go to work early, and leave early if necessary. This turned out to be valuable when it came to being with my daughter. I could attend her school functions, and when she got a severe concussion and had to stay home for a month. I had the opportunity to work from home as I needed. This would have been difficult anywhere else. By trusting in God, and trusting in the process everything turned out for the best.

This brings me today. Having failed the Nebraska bar by less than a point, I wondered what I was to do next. Do I take the bar, or do I try to get licensed in one of the fifteen other states I was eligible to work? Not sure I decided to reach out and do some networking in Iowa, and see what the results would be. I chose Iowa, because it borders where I live, and I would not have to move my daughter her senior year.

The networking paid off, and within a week I found a job forty to fifty minutes away from my home. The way the job became available, I knew this was the right place, and I knew God had put me on the path he intended for now. I quickly sent off my $525, along with my application, to the Iowa bar admissions and began work immediately.

Although I could not practice law immediately. I could be a law clerk while I awaited the approval of my bar application. This allowed me many great opportunities to go to court, draft various documents, and get to know criminal law—not an area I had practice before. However, it did not take long for me to realize that I was not going to be at the job if I had expected. Things were not what they had seemed, or what I had been told. I prayed for guidance, as things began to turn less than optimal. My decision was to begin looking for a new job. The plan was to being looking this weekend. It turned out that my decision was expedited.

On Friday, around noon, my boss told me that he had decided he did not want to grow his firm. He had taken me on to see if he wanted an associate, and decided this was not the direction he wanted to go. My work he said was fine, and I would be an excellent lawyer, but he wanted to keep things small. However, he would be happy to assist me in any way he could in finding a job. That was it. The job was over, and I no longer had an income coming in. In addition, I had just stopped getting food stamps because I was working. Then there was the $525 for a license I would not be using anytime soon. As well as some other expenditures, I had made because I did have a steady income that I had not planned on being cut short. Luckily I got ahold of SNAP, and had my food stamps reinstated. As far as the license, I’m still waiting on the background check, so I cannot work as an attorney now, and thank goodness I applied to retake the bar in February.

I have felt lost throughout this time. I knew that I needed to leave the job. I knew that it was not right for me, but originally it was. But why? What was the purpose heavenly father had in mind? Why did he put me at that job, and then allow it to go away? What am I supposed to do? I feel so lost, and unsure of the direction I am supposed to go. What is it the lord wants me to do?

Then it came to me today as I woke up. Luke 22:42-43, “not my will, but thine, be done.” The thing that I have said throughout my entire law school journey. I would do whatever it is he has planned for me to do. As I read verse 43 the following stood out, an “angel from heaven [will] strengthen [you].” Despite the fact I do not know what to do. Despite the fact I have no idea of the result, I know that heavenly father will be here for me. He will strengthen me, support me, and take me on the best path. Yes, it is scary, yes I feel lost, and yes I am somewhat confused as to where I am supposed to go. But right now, I feel comforted, because I know he will not lead me wrong, and he will be there for me every step of the way.

It Was Not Easy

In 47 days I will graduate from law school. Although it has gone by fast, in some way sit seems so long ago that I started--my first year of school seems like a distant memory. The journey has been a lot harder than I expected. There has been a lot of lost sleep, stress, and lonely times. As a single mom law school can be an isolating an experience. When you are not studying, you are attending your child's activities, and caring for your family. This includes cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping and general upkeep of the house, oh and don't forget the carpooling, school events, parent teacher conferences, committees you volunteer on, late nights as your child does their homework, and late nights listening to your child--trying to be a good parent. There have been many times I have jokingly said I would like to have a wife, just so I could have time to do a few of the things I enjoy the most. Law school is about sacrifices, and both my daughter and I have made many sacrifices along the way.

No, it has not been easy. I have had people belittle me, talk about me behind my back. make fun of me, and criticize me in some very malicious ways. It has made for a very hard, lonely road at times. However, along this lonely journey I have come to know some really great people who have helped me along the way. There was the home teacher and his wife that supported and cared for my daughter and I, giving us someone to turn to when we needed it most. The best friend at school who stood by my side during some of the toughest times. The "Angel" who gave my daughter the cutest clothes when she learned my daughter had out grown her clothes, and I had no way to provide her with new ones. The professor who took the extra step of listening, in a week when the whole world seemed to be crushing down, not only listening, but taking action to help. The professor who rallied the staff to stand behind one of their own, a feat I will never forget, Finally, there was the community of lawyers who saw a need and reached out and helped someone they did not know.

Law school has not been easy, in fact it has probably been one of the most difficult things I have done to date. But I would not change a thing. This experience has caused me to grow, to stretch, and become a new person--one I hope that will succeed in helping others. No, it was not easy, but in the long-run it will be worth it.

Happy Mother's Day to My Second Mom

I lost my mom over twenty years ago.  There is nothing worse than losing a parent.  They are the ones who love you, teach you and are there for you to lean on.  I felt so lost and alone when my mom died.  I was pregnant and just about to have my first child.  I was embarking on an unknown world and did not have anyone there to help me.  Then along came Lynda.  She took my phone calls, with questions about “is this normal” in the pregnancy.  She traveled a couple of hours to the hospital after I had my baby, she was there for me.  Her being there for me didn’t end there.  As the years passed, it became more than simple phone calls.  It became a shoulder to cry on as I struggled through an abusive marriage, a crashing economy, and a child with a mental illness.  The cheerleader as I took on new life adventures.  She gave me a home to stay in when I became a single mom with a baby, $1,000 and nowhere to go.  She helped me through times when no one else was there.  She became my mom.

Thank you Lynda, for being my mom.  Thank you for loving me, caring for me and being the person I can turn to.  Happy Mother’s Day.  I love you.

Nebraska and Law School

Well it's been 7 weeks since Mandy and I arrived in Nebraska.  I thought I would get to write in my blog, but we literally hit the ground running.  We arrived on Friday and unloaded the moving van that evening.  The next two days were spent unpacking boxes and getting Mandy's stuff together to start school on Monday.  Mandy started school on Monday and I started on Thursday.  I think that is the fastest I have ever gotten unpacked and settled into a home.

Orem 6th ward helping pack the van

I towed this all by myself

Moving in

Our home is a small apartment, much different than the 4 bedroom home we lived in, in Orem.  However, I like how small it is, it means I have a lot less to clean up.  Which with the way my schedule is there is not a lot of time for cleaning.  My day starts early (5 am) to get Mandy to seminary by 6 am and me to school.  I usually get home at 4 pm and then have a break for an hour before it's off to soccer practice, or more studying.  Actually most of the time I am studying.  I have learned to study in the car, at choir concerts and soccer games.  For the most part every waking moment is spent studying--at least it feels that way.

First Day of School

Nebraska has it's pluses and minuses.  The plus, everyone here is really nice. There are a lot of smiles and hellos when you see people.  The minus, it is very bike antagonistic. Because there are only a few trails here and they are far away I have to ride road.  The roads here do not have shoulders, so you have to ride the sidewalk and back out of the way roads to get to country roads that have fewer drivers on it than in town.  Even the country roads do not have shoulders, but at least there are fewer cars on them.

Oh yes, and also the trees are still green here.  I love getting on facebook and seeing all the fall pictures.  I keep wondering what fall will be like here, but I can't imagine it is better than Utah.

Push Play

It has been almost 2 years since my last post, and a lot has happened since my accident and since my last post.  In the last 2 years I got a promotion at work, moved to a new home, took almost a year to recover from my bike accident, got a divorce and the biggest update...I was accepted to law school!!

In a week and a half Mandy and I will be moving to Omaha, Nebraska, so I can attend law school.  It is a bitter sweet moment for me.  I am excited about achieving a long desired dream, but I am sad to be leaving a place I love so much.  It is hard to leave the people I have come to love and care for so much.  It is hard to leave the mountains.  I am so lucky to wake up every morning and see the beauty right outside my window.  It is hard to leave a place I know so well and feel so comfortable.

However, with all the difficulties and the sadness of leaving I am on to a new adventure.  And that is the reason for updating my blog.  The best way to let everyone know about my new adventures I will be taking on will be through my blog.  So have fun reading and keep in touch.  It's time to push 'Play' on this blog!

Friends - Snow Basin Crash

The final ICup race.  The race that determined which team would take home the team cup and who would win the overall for the season.  For me there was no chance for any overall win, but it was a chance to put my legs to the test and ride a course I knew I could do well on.

Our start was a group start with the Men 57+, and the 13-15 years old.  My plans for this race was to take the first climb at a relaxed pace, the second climb put a little bit more umph to it, and then when I hit the singletrack to just pound.  Everything went as planned.  By the end of the first climb I was in last--no worries because I knew this was my course.  End of the second climb I passed on rider and entered into the singletrack with no one in sight.  I began to pound working my way along the course.  After a bit I began to worry I had let everyone get too far ahead and I might not catch them, but then I saw it.  I puff of dirt.  A good sign there were riders close by.

I continued to pound and soon was rewarded.  I saw riders.  Little by little I began to pass each rider.  And my thanks to each rider, this is the first time during an ICup race I didn't have to beg and plead to pass.  I began to pass women in my division.  Each of them were awesome and let me by.  After a moment I had worked my way from last to 3rd place.  I couldn't believe it.  I was feeling good, my legs were working well and I thought I could definitely hold this pace without blowing up.  Of course somewhere in the back of my mind came the thought "it's 2 laps, anything can happen in 2 laps".  Actually I have this thought every race, it's what keeps me going.

My race is going well, when I reach a little bit more of a climb than I planned for.  I slow down a bit, but still things are going well.  Then I hear a rider behind ask to pass--of course she is in my division.  I let her go without too much concern, because I knew in the next half mile I would be passing her back and I knew I could totally kill the downhill leaving her and others far behind.  We hit a nice flat spot again and my speed increased I decide now is the time to catch the girl that passed me not too long ago.  I hit a nice turn with a quick up, so I shift and go to pedal hard and that's it.  That's the last thing I remember. 

I don't remember flying through the air.  Not a thing, no seeing the ground, no flying through the air--I remember nothing.  I don't remember Colleen screaming.  The only reason I know she screamed is she told me.  The first thing I remember is hitting my head on rocks really hard.  So hard the first thought that came to my mind was "that's the hardest I've hit my helmet, I bet I broke it" Then the rest of my body hit and it was an instant shock to my spine, leg and hip.  My hip had hit a rock so hard that I knew I was not leaving that spot.  I lay there as Colleen asked me if I was okay.  Normally by this time I would have jumped up, said I was fine and took off.  Unfortunately this was not the case.  My response was no, I've hurt my hip and can't get up.

I stayed where I was and soon the rest of the women in my division rode up.  These women were great.  Marian took off to tell the course marshal's there had been and accident, Kory and Kat helped to slow down riders as they came around the blind corner, and Colleen kept the bugs off of me, kept checking to make sure I was doing okay and let the riders know to stop and get off to go around me. Eventually she and Kat stood right over me to keep riders from riding by me and to protect me from getting hurt.  For those who were at the race you know I was in a percarious place right by a group of rocks, and the safest way around me was to go around me--not ride around me, but get off and walk around me.   Apparently 2 riders thought the race was too important to take the 2 extra seconds to go around me and rode right up the rocks by me.  One slip and they would have landed on me and hurt me worse.  That is what led to Kat and Colleen standing over me.

While we waited the gals kept me entertained--good and bad, because laughing really hurt.  We had to wait a really long time for the EMT's to arrive--by long time, I mean long enough I believe almost every division passed us by before the EMT's got to me.  Which was fine, I wasn't going anywhere.  While waiting there wasn't one rider that didn't offer to help or show their concern as I laid stretched out across the trail. Each offered theirs words of concern and support.  There were many willing to give up their race to help and assist me.  We sent them on their way the Sport Women had it covered. 

When the EMT's arrived that's when it started to get really interesting.  By interesting I mean they started to assess my injuries.  It was then I discovered I hurt more than just my hip.  Ouch my shoulder hurt and yes my kneck is tender, oh and yeah those ribs don't feel too hot either.  Once the assessment was overwe had to wait for the rest of search and rescue to arrive.  While waiting the EMT explained to me they were going to backboard me and take me to the ambulance and then the ambulance would take me to the hospital.  I didn't like this idea and told them I needed to be dropped off at Snow Basin.  Colleen then gave me the motherly "Kendra you need to go to the hospital" talk.  She was right, but I really didn't want to leave--of course this thought left my mind the instant they backboarded me.

The crash it hurt, but not near as bad as the rest of the stuff I went through.  When they backboarded me I was screaming and crying in pain.  You see the whole right side of my body was injured from my shoulder all the way down my leg and there was no way they could get me on without pushing on an area that was injured.  Once on the board they secured me so tight there was no way I was going to budge an inch.  I was so disappointed I cried, I know that's dumb, but it just made me feel like such a wimp.  Collen and the girls made sure I got all of my stuff.  They kept search and rescue from cutting my camelbak, helped with my glasses and broken helmet and then made sure my bike was rescued too.  You see I kept worrying about my bike. 

I won't tell you the rest of the trip was good, because it wasn't.  The ride to the ambulance and the ride to the hospital was very painful.  And all the tests, cat scans and xrays were not without pain.  My initial diagnosis ended up with a mild concussion, whip lash, deep tissue bruising to my hip, bruised ribs and unknown to my shoulder.  I saw the sports medicine doctor on Monday and the diagnosis on the shoulder changed to broken scapula.  Two weeks later after an MRI and only mild improvement the diagnosis on the shoulder became a torn laberal and seperation of the ACL, no broken scapula.  It took almost 2 weeks before I was able to sit up for a good lenght of time, but little by little I have been feeling much better.  Surgery is next week and then I will be back on the bike about 6 weeks later--just in time for cross season.  A funny side note,there are no pictures.  Apparently none of us take our cameras with us during a race.

The part that will always remain with me was the kindness of each rider on the trail and all of the women in my division that gave up their race and placing to help me.  I always knew I raced with a cool bunch of women, but that day they proved just how really cool they were.  Last year I stopped my race to help another racer, this year it was returned ten fold.  I can't tell you how priveledged I feel to know these women as well as all the other riders who showed their concern and caring during and after the race.  I always knew the mountain bike community was great, but now it has been proven. 

The Interview

A lot of you know my ups and downs with jobs the last few years.  Housing industry crashed, position eliminated, company downsized.  Enough job instability to make a person nervous.  However, with all that said I have always been able to find a job and feel fortunate to be working, but my current job is not my dream job.

It is a good company I work for.  They take good care of their employees, there are good benefits, however, it does not utilize the majority of my skills--I spend most of my time on the phone all day.  This company has great stability and good opportunity for growth, so   I was hoping eventually I would have the chance for an in house transfers but those opportunities have been very few and far between.  So finally last week I decided perhaps it was time to look and see what else was available.  I did and I found my dream job--one that makes your eyes get as big as saucers.

The position is for a sports secretary.  For those who know how much I love sports and also those who know how much I love to make reports, type, organize and do office work you know this is the perfect job for me.  I applied without much hope of getting an interview, because well the fact of the matter is the job market is tough and a lot of people are looking.  Guess what!!!  I got an interview!!!

I interviewed today and the interview went well.  It is not often I leave an interview and feel like things went well.  In fact, I usually leave thinking I totally botched the interview.  But this time I left happy with how I did.  I was able to talk about my skills and experience, and there should be no doubt how much I love sports and helping others in their sports endeavors.  However, that in no way makes me think the people I interviewed thought I did a good job.  They may think I am totally not right for the position (although I would definitely would disagree with them).  But it is not often I actually feel like I did well at something.  So I guess that is why I am writing, because today something went well and it is fun to share.

PC50

To start with this was the most emotional finish I have ever had in a race.  Crossing the finish line I was filled with so much emotion over meeting my goal and overcoming so many obsticles fromm the past and the present I ended up choking up and then crying as I crossed the line.  This race meant so much to me and because of it I know this will go down as one race I will never forget and hold dear to my heart.

Leading up to the Race
Two weeks prior to the PC50 I felt great.  In fact, I felt right on track after I finished racing USCS Round Valley race.  I had raced at an even pace and when I finished I felt good.  I had a lot of energy and knew I could keep on riding.  I knew I had two more weeks of preperation, so I felt confident things were going to go well at the PC50.  Boy can things change quickly.

Three days after round valley I discover my sinus infection was back.  I don't know about others, but when I have a sinus infection I am sooooo tired.  I immediately went to the doctor and he gave me a shot as well as a prescription, so I could kick it in time for the race.  I left relieved knowing it would not be long before I felt better.

Apparently my body had other ideas.  That same evening I had an ovarian cyst rupture.  The pain was bad enough I eventually ended up in the ER, and was throwing up from the pain.  The ER doctor sent me home with some pain meds and instructions to see my doc the next day.  Which I did since the pain was still very intense and I need pain meds every four hours.  It was there I found out it was a pretty large cyst and it could take up to 2 weeks before the pain went away.  Okay, so now I am just a little stressed.  I realize I am a week away from the race and I am taking pain meds every 4 hours because I hurt so bad, and it may be a bit before the pain subsides. 

Little by little the pain began to subside, but it was not until the Tuesday before the race I could quit taking pain medication (by pain medication I mean the stuff the doctor prescribes)  The abdominal pain contninued, but was now manageable without pain meds.  I figured I would try a ride on Tuesday to see how I faired, and let's just say it was not pretty.  Trying gasping, and struggling just to ride up Spiro.  I went home realizing this was going to be a tough week. 

The rest of the week I was only able to work half days and then I would have to go home and rest in bed, because it really hurt to sit.  Another stress, I was wondering how I was going to sit on a bike for 50 miles when I could barely sit in an office chair for 4 hours.  I guess I was going to find out.

The Race
The race started out slow, and so did I.  I was going to take it at a very low pace working on keeping my abdominal pains at a minimal and hoped it all worked out.  It turned out this put me at the very back of the pack.  For once this did not bother me.  I just plugged along the climbing the hill making sure I did not over exert myself.  Oh, and while I was climbing I kept thinking "I ski down these slopes!".  Skiin at PC has it's benefits.  I may not know the singletrack at PC, but anytime we hit double track I recognized the slope and knew what to expect.

A lot of good things happened to me during this race.  Lyna and I ran into a group of racers going into single track after making a wrong turn.  This meant we didn't make a wrong turn.  We ended up passing everyone in that train and continuing on to the first aid station.  I refilled at the first aid station losing Lyna, but getting what I needed to make it to the second aid station.   Aid station two Jen Hanks helped me get my camel bak, water bottle and gels ready.  Without her I probably would still be trying to fill up my camel bak.  I was able to kill the downs and pass a lot of people on the trail both up and down.  On mid-mountain I rode with Carl Irwin, his knowledge of the trail and what to expect got me to aid station three and then on to the home stretch.

This race was hard.  My abdomen hurt during most of the ride and because I was compromised abdominally my lower back hurt too.  And as much as I love going downhill mid-mountain can really beat you up.  So much to the point you lose all feeling in your hand.  Although it was hard, and although I really hurt by the end I accomplished everything I had set out to do, and that was to finish.  This race was about overcoming more than just the last two weeks of physical aliments, this race was about overcoming all past aliments and proving they were in the past.  So crossing the line not only proved I could do it, it proved I was not going to let them keep me down.

Do Overs - Round Valley

I did the second race for the USCS series last night at Round Valley.  It was a great course and a lot of fun to ride on.  I have to say if you have not had an oppurtunity to particate in one of the USCS races you should.  They are low key, fun and your kids can race for only $5 dollars--who can beat that.

The start time for the race was 5 pm--different from what I am used to, but apparently my body was okay with this.  We started off with a pretty good group of sport women.  I like this series, because it breaks the up the women's sport division into sport and 35+--although we start together we do not compete against each other. 

As we took off from the start line some of the gals blasted off the start.  I actually started at a reasonable pace and then picked it up--I wanted to take this race at an even pace, so I could ride after and prepare for the PC50 coming up.  During the shake out loop, not to my surprise Sally went blazing by, perfect, now I have my carrot to chase.

For the entire first lap I could see her just ahead--which was fine, because my goal was to turn it up on the second lap.  By turning is up I mean on the up, because anyone that knows Sally they know she can down--like me her favorite thing is to see if she can go down without using her brakes.  I think this may be where a broken hand can be an advantage because you do not want to brake, because it will hurt.  Oh, yes did I mention Sally was racing with a broken hand!  And apparently it did not affect her mountain biking skills at all, because I never caught her.

During the second lap I turned it up and I kept seeing Sally up ahead.  I pushed on the hills and pushed on the downs hoping I could overtake her--no dice.  That girl is sooo fast. On the final climb and descent the majority of the pros started to do their passing.  This was the one place I was hoping to not run into the pros, there is passing, but it is tight.  Thinking I could still see Sally I didn't want to lose much time, so passing without pulling over became tricky.  Thank goodness the pros were so skilled.  As we went up I would go close to one side of the trail and they would hop over and pass.  As a side note, can I just say how amazing it is to watch them climb with such speed it's like I am standing still as they go by.  I wonder if it looks the same to them, the me standing still that is. 

At the top of the final climb is a straight away, then you go down into some semi rocky switchbacks, then you got to another short straight away and into smooth switchbacks.  This is where I wish I could have my do over.  Hot after Sally and hoping I could catch her I hit the top of the climb ready to push it hard on the down.  I am not sure where, but somewhere on the descent I was overtaken by a pro rider and passed.  It had to have been on a straight away, but I am not sure where.  What I do remember is following him for just a little bit as we skidded through some of the upper switchbacks.  Sometime during that period another rider wanted to pass.  We hit a straight away I said pass, but no pass--I took off and we headed downhill.  The rider stayed close behind me, and I was surprised.  I had passed another rider behind me on the down and left him far behind and thought this rider was him.  I couldn't believe the skills the rider was displaying as they had not been present when I had passed him on the downhill before, so this greatly added to my confusion.  At this point I began to wonder if the person behind me needed to pass, was I holding them up or were they fine staying behind me.  I kept going not quite sure what to do.  All of the sudden as I was trying to figure this out.  I hear "Kendra I can't pass without taking both of us out you need to find a place"  My internal response is "yikes"  I am holding this person up.  I immediately pulled over so he could pass feeling awful knowing I had held him back.  As I pulled over I hooked a tree/bush branch with my handlebars and immediately went over my bike.  A few curse words were dropped, I jumped up got on my bike and  took off.  A little shook up as I went down I lost some of my momentum and smoothness on the down--I hate it when crashes do that to you.  I finished, feeling strong and happy with how I did, but with ripped up skin and bruises on my knees and arms.....ugh.

I found Sally and learned she was actually 5 minutes ahead of me!!!  I don't know who it was I kept seeing in front of me, but it obvsiously wasn't Sally (or at least some of the time it wasn't).  I found the rider and apologized for holding him up.  I felt awful, and it wasn't because I knew him or that he was a pro, it was because I held up and rider and I never want to do that.  I don't know what I could do to do it over, but I want a do over.  I want to let this rider pass, and I want to avoid the crash.  I know how frustrating it can be to not pass, as the last two races I have had riders intentionally not let me pass and it held me back from my competition.  In my case I continually asked to pass and was refused, in this case I didn't refuse, I basically just messed up.  

On a brighter note.  I took 2nd place!  Very excited about the win and about how I rode.