What's the Plan?

 Life – it is something I have been pondering about a lot lately. Wondering why I am here, what is my purpose, am I really helping others--am I making a difference. As I ponder, as I wonder, Heavenly Father gives me little glimpse, little reminders he is there for me, and even though I may not see it, he has a plan.

In the fall of 2013 Mandy and I went mountain biking in Omaha on a trail I had read about online. It was a beautiful afternoon weekday. The trail was empty, it was just me and Mandy, and riding was great. After we finished riding, I racked our bikes, and we proceeded to leave, but the car would not start. I checked the engine, tried a couple of more times to get it to start, and nothing. I was nervous, I did not know anyone, I did not know exactly where we were, and I was not sure how we were going to get home.

Mandy and I said a prayer, and I asked Heavenly Father to help us get the car started and get us safely home. As soon as we finished the prayer. A truck drove up, and parked right by us. The driver helped jumped my car, and it started! While helping us I learned the driver normally rode in the morning, but decided to ride later on that particular day. Heavenly Father had made sure Mandy and I were taken care, and he answered our prayers.

It’s little reminders like these that help me get through the days, and although it is not easy, it let’s me know God has a plan, he is there for me–God has got my back, and I just need to hang on. 

Does it Need to Be Inevitable?

Yesterday, I went for a mountain bike ride for the first time in Iowa. The trail was fun, flowy and fast. It intertwined with other trails making it difficult for me to know where I was going or how to get back to my car. Eventually after a third conversation with some mountain bikers I was pointed in the right direction and heading back on a fun downhill towards my car.

Being a new trail, I wasn’t screaming down the trail, but I was going fairly fast. As flew down the trail I came to what appeared to be a regular turn—it wasn’t.  Just as I got to the top of the turn, I saw three large root drops through the entire turn. There is that moment in mountain biking when you know you are going to crash, and there is nothing you can do but hope it turns out well, and not horribly bad. This was one of those moments. I slowed down as much as possible and went in to the turn very haphazardly. I almost made it, but then I got bucked from my bike spilling over the top tube, and part of my handle bars off to the side. I started to put my hands out to catch me, and realized that was not a good idea, so luckily, I buckled them as I went to the ground. I ended up landing on both knees.  

Down on the ground I pause for a moment assessing just how bad I was hurt. I rolled over and sat feeling pain surging through my knees and my body. I knew the injuries from this crash were going to stay with me for a while.

I gingerly got on my bike, and continued on down the trail eventually making it to my car. The pain was real, and there was a lot of wincing as I drove home. My obvious injuries, the ones you could see, were to my knees and legs—scrapes, swelling and bruises. Although these injuries hurt, and cause me to wince; what hurts the most is what you can’t see. Somehow the entire right side of my body took the brunt of the accident. My shoulder, ribs and neck also got injured. You can’t see the injury, but I can feel it. I can hardly lift my arm, it hurts to laugh, quick movements are not possible, and looking up or turning my head is painful. Sleeping last night was somewhat a struggle due to the pain.

Last night as I perused Facebook, I noticed several posts regarding suicide. It brought up past memories I prefer to leave in the past, but as I saw some of the posts, I realized perhaps sharing my experience maybe would help others.

A week after my birthday, and two weeks before I had my first child my mom took her life. We were not close, but it affected me and tore me apart for a period of time. She did not do it in the manner most women take their life. No, she got a gun and killed herself. The day she killed herself she called and talked to me on the phone. To my knowledge I am the only person she talked to before she took her life. I had no idea of what she was planning, but I often wondered if I could have done or said something different in that conversation that would have changed her mind. I know now there was nothing I could have done or said at that time. Sometimes we cannot stop what for another seems to be the inevitable. But we can hopefully make a difference or provide them with hope so maybe it will not be the inevitable action they need to take.

Today, when you look at me, you can see the scrapes, the bruises, and the marks from my mountain bike ride. What you cannot see is what is causing the most pain. Those injuries are deep, those injuries hurt the most, and kept me up most of the night. With time the pain will dissipate, and I will be hundred percent, but it will take me caring for myself, and if necessary, applying or getting the right treatment for my injuries.

Emotional injuries are not much different. A person can look fine from the outside and be deep in pain on the inside. Just like with the physical injuries from my mountain bike accident emotional pain needs to be treated. We cannot stop the pain of another, but we can help. It does not need to be great actions. It can be a simple smile, a “how is your day”, a phone call, a text, just taking a pause to notice that person, to let them know you know they exist, a simple “hi”.  Just in the case of my mom, or my crash, you may not be able to stop the inevitable, but maybe, just maybe you can detain it so they can get the help to make the pain dissipate and go away.

Barbara Jean Griffey Hook 

November 1, 1938 - June 20, 1990

Beginning to End

Heavenly Father knows the beginning to the end. He has a plan for us, and is involved in the very intricate details of our life.

When I think of God helping us, and having a plan for us I think of the poem Footprints. To summarize a man is looking back on his life, and he sees two sets of footprints in the sand, one is his, and the other is Gods. As he looks he notices during times of struggle there is only one set of footprints. He turns to God and asks him why he left him during his most challenging times, and God replies. "I did not leave you, I carried you."

God is not only with us during the challenging times he is there before the challenging times begin. He has a plan, and he is making sure we are taken care of.

At the beginning of July, I received a phone message from the Sister Missionaries, letting me know I was invited, along with them, to see a my church friend Steve take out his endowments on July 13th. They were wondering if I could give them a ride to the temple. I had a trial scheduled for July 15th, and was worried I would not have time to prepare for trial--typically I spend most of my Saturday in trial prep. I decided I would go, and I would find a way to get everything done earlier in the week so I would only have to work half a day on Saturday.

The Sunday following the Sister Missionaries phone call,  I received a text from them letting me know Steve had decided to go to the Nauvoo temple to take out his endowments, instead of the Winter Headquarters temple. This changed everything. It added an extra three hours to the entire trip. If I took them I would not be able to work on my trial on Saturday. I knew I was supposed to go, so I told them I would take them, and we would go to the pageant too. I gave the caveat if  things needed to change I would let them know by Monday evening. There was no doubt in my mind I would take them. I knew this was what Heavenly Father wanted, so I planned accordingly.

I asked friends and family members to pray my trial would get changed or dismissed. I also asked them to pray I would be able to get everything done I needed. Not only did I have a trial coming up, but I had two hearings, and a deposition--which meant most of my week was eaten up. My plan was to work every night until 11 pm if necessary, so I would not have to worry about prepping for my trial.

On Tuesday as I was finishing up the last preparations for my afternoon deposition I received a phone call from the county prosecutor cancelling the deposition. We then reached an agreement that moved the trial with the charges eventually getting dismissed! My prayers were answered. Now all that was on my plate were the hearings on Wednesday which would not prevent me from taking the Sister Missionaries to Nauvoo. Things were working great.

On Thursday, two days before I was to go to Nauvoo, I received information that brought me great sorrow, and many, many tears. When I was alone the tears came easily. When I was people I was able to ward them off for the most part. But Heavenly Father had a plan.

Friday evening after work I fed the sister missionaries, and then spent the rest of the night making preparations for food to take to Nauvoo. My Saturday began at about 5:00 am. I was with the sister missionaries until 2:30 am the next day. We spent the next 10 hours traveling, singing, going to the temple, and seeing the sights at Nauvoo. I had some very personal spiritual experiences, and felt peace and love from my Heavenly Father. I was not alone, and tears were much less than if I had been.

When I agreed to take the sister missionaries to Nauvoo I thought it was to help them, but it turns out Heavenly Father knew better. He knew the sorrow I was going to be faced with. He knew I needed to be with people, to not be alone, and he put that plan into action in the early part of July, long before the events that brought me sorrow came to fruition. Heavenly Father made sure I was not alone that weekend.

Recently I came across this quote from Jeffrey R. Holland:

"Somehow God can focus on every one of us personally, know the concerns and fears of each one of us uniquely. In those times of our need, it is as if no other voice distracts Him, no other need in the universe diverts Him. In those moments when we especially need Him, in times of trouble or otherwise, we are seemingly the sole object of His affection and attention." 

Not only are we the sole object of his affection and attention during times of trouble, he is there prior to those time--he is there always. Each of us are children of our Heavenly Father, and he has a plan for each of us. He knows the beginning to the end, and we just need to have the faith to move forward and trust in that plan. By doing so we will find a love that is incomprehensible.

Fear - What is it Keeping You From?

Fear is not easy to overcome, but when we do we get to experience life at its fullest.

Fear kept me from building friendships and opening up for the longest time to more than just a select few. Believe it or not it also kept me from riding my bike.

I like people; I love people, but showing that can be difficult. For many years I kept myself at a protective distance not letting others in, typically only opening up when prompted, or after trust had been established. This year I made an effort to become more open allowing others into my life. It is still a work in progress, and recently because I was afraid, I missed letting someone know what a great best friend that person was to me. I regret not saying anything. Sometimes fear creates missed opportunities and growth.

A few weeks ago, while in Utah, I rode my bike up to Squaw Peak. It is a 4 mile climb, with a 2, 023 elevation gain, and a killer grade the last 1/2 mile--I think it is a 13% grade.

The last time I did this ride was 2013. For six years I have been too afraid to attempt this ride! There were many reasons why, but fear of not getting to the top is essentially what stopped me.

July 6 of this year I decided my fear was no longer going to keep me from this ride. I was scared, but I was not going to let my fear stop me. I took off that morning on a solo ride to the top.

It was tough, I plugged along one pedal stroke at a time eventually making it to the top exhausted, spent, shaking and elated I had made the climb. The view was beautiful! To think I had missed out on this for the last six years.

How often do we let our fears keep us from moving forward? How often do we have missed opportunities, and miss out on the beauty of life and the spectacular view because we let our fear hold us back?

I missed an opportunity in one situation because of fear, but in another I overcame my fear, and experienced a wonderful view as well as a sense of accomplishment. So do not let your fear stop you, you do not want to miss out on life and all of its spectacular views.

We Were Not Meant to do it Alone

For anyone that has read this blog, or knows me, you know I love to ride bikes. I often joke riding a bike is my Prozac. It brings peace to my soul, it energizes me, and I often get great thoughts when riding my bike.

When I lived in Utah I would ride by myself, and with some very close friends. It was nice, because there always seemed someone available to go for a ride. Since leaving Utah the majority of my rides have been by myself. These rides are great, and help me with a lot of introspection.

Recently I went to Utah for a few days, and got to ride with two of my best friends. One day was a classic ride up South Fork with one best friend. The next day was a new ride in Mapleton with another best friend. However, there was a lot on my mind I needed to sort out, and I felt I needed to go for a ride by myself. I felt like I needed alone time. This is what I do at home. I pound on the bike, work out the excess energy, and process everything that is currently going on in my life. It works.

The plan  was for me to ride alone early in the morning, and then later go for a short mountain bike ride on the fat bikes with my best friend. I woke up relatively early for vacation, and proceeded to ride. As I was riding I kept feeling like I needed to turn around, and go back and ride with my best friend. But I kept going. The feeling came to me again, but I kept riding. Then the thought came to me "you did not come to Utah to ride alone; you can ride alone at home." I continued to ride. The feeling continued, and got stronger, along with the thoughts. I knew I needed to turn around, so I did. (All of this occurred within 5 miles).

As soon as I turned around and rode back the thought came to me "God does not want you to do it alone."

Heavenly Father wants you not only to turn to him, but he wants you to turn to others, to let others be there for you, to help you along the path. As I rode back to be with my friend, one of my best friends, there was joy in my heart.

Later that day I went on the same trail with my best friend. We laughed, took goofy pictures, and rode much further than I would have by myself. I did not think about what was going on, but instead just had fun, and got way more out of the ride than I would have by myself.

There are times we need to be alone, but don't let it cause you to shut out others. Remember that God does not want you to do it alone. He wants you to have others in your life, to share in your experiences--good and not so good.

"We were not placed on this earth to walk alone." --Thomas S. Monson

Light and Change

In October 2009, I raced 24 hours of Moab for the first time. I did this race as a team of four. The race is approximately seventeen miles through red rock, sand, deep sand, dirt and triple x downhills. Racing as a team of four is done in relay style trading off as a rider comes in from completing her lap. 

Our team was part of several sub-teams in a very large camp. We were fortunate enough to have a cook, a bike mechanic, a charging station for our lights, and people assisting with keeping track of time, water bottles, and nutrition.

Because of the great support we had in our camp, and the fact I was doing the race as I relay, I did not have the expectation the race would be overly demanding—difficult yes, but nothing that would overly taxing.  I knew I had time between laps to eat, sleep, and prepare to go back out when my turn was up—at least 3 to 3 ½ hours; plenty of time.

The seventeen-mile lap is composed of triple X downhills, which can be dangerous. There is deep sand, which can be taxing, and of course because it is 24 hours you are riding in the dark. Now riding in the dark on a mountain trail can be fairly easy, but riding on red rock is difficult—or can be. There is no well-worn path you can see with your lights, so you have to be diligent in keeping your eyes open for the markings on the red, and hope you are lucky enough to be in a group when you hit the mesa.

What I discovered as I did the race is, I was unable to rest—sleep was difficult, and I got little if any sleep. At night it is freezing cold, between the 20s and 30s. Although it is October, you are in the desert, hence the cold evenings, and warm days. A lot of my time was spent in the kitchen and dining area, because that is where the heat was. We had tents and trailers to sleep in, but for some reason I could not sleep much. Despite having food prepared and cooked for us I struggled to get food down, and by the time I was preparing to go out on my final lap I was gagging and dry heaving when I tried to eat. My body did not understand why I was riding 17 miles, coming in, trying to eat, and then going back out again, and of course not sleeping.

By the time I was supposed to go out and do my final lap, our team was in second place.  But at this point I did not care. I was tired and fatigued. It was beginning to be the early morning hours, and I was exhausted. I no longer felt like racing, instead it became just a ride. A ride I needed to finish. I went out and began to pedal on. All I wanted to do was finish this lap.

At the first of the lap it was dark and difficult to see. At one point one of the pro riders from one of the sub-teams went by and let me know one of the teams I was racing, was going to come up and pass me. In a flat voice I said “I don’t care.” In my mind I was done, the race was over, and I just needed to find a way to somehow get to the end.

As I rode along it began to get a little bit lighter. The darkness was fading, and I was beginning to be able to see the trail and my surroundings without the use of my lights. Then little by little the sun started to peak through the rocks, and the trees. As I rode up onto the mesa. I saw the sun starting to rise in the horizon, and I began to see it’s direct light. It was so glorious, and beautiful.

And as I proceeded a little further the light began to touch me, and I felt the warmth of the light. As I felt that warmth, I had renewed energy. I started going a little bit more, and riding a little bit faster, and feeling a little bit stronger. As the sun kept rising, I kept getting stronger, and stronger, and going faster, and faster. I could feel the warmth of its rays.

After the mesa I had two big downhills with jumps, and rode through a very large sandpit. I rode as fast as I could through the downs, and actually flew face first in the sand pit. However, this did not discourage me, and I jumped up, and continued on to the trade off point (the finish line). I rode renewed. I hollered happily to my teammates. I had energy once again. I was ready to go. The sun had given me the energy I needed, and then some.

Just like my bike ride, at times, life can be difficult, and we end up trudging along. However, when we turn to Christ, he can change everything for us. Like the light on my bike ride, he is our light in life. He can take away the pain, carry the burdens, and change who we are. He can renew us. In Matthew 11:28-30 it says:

28 ¶ Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

Just like my bike ride it is not always going to be easy, and there will be falls, just as when I went face first into the sand pit. But he will be there to help you along, and give you what you need to go forward.

.

Please Do Not Feed the Missionaries Dessert!

Dear Ward Members,

The evening has come, and you are about to have the missionaries over for dinner. You have been anticipating this all day. You love the missionaries coming over. They bring a great spirit, and are full of fun conversation. You have planned and slaved all day to make the perfect meal--or maybe you haven't, and if you are like me you are trying to throw something together at the last minute, because you totally spaced they were coming.

They arrive and it is time to eat. Then you make your first mistake. You put food on their plate. You put A LOT of food on their plate. You know they are busy all day, and they need a good meal, and you are not sure they are getting enough to eat. In fact, you insist they should have seconds when they do finish what is on their plate.

Noooooo, this is wrong. Let them put food on their own plate. They know how much they can eat, and how much they need. If you put it on their plate they are obligated to eat all of it, because they have been told it is rude not to eat everything that has been provided. They do not want to hurt your feelings by not eating everything you have provided them. Hence, they eat everything, and them some. More than they want, and more than they need. Needless to say they end up having a little extra junk in the trunk.

You finish eating, and then it is time for dessert. STOP! Do you have dessert every day? If the
missionaries were not over would you be having dessert? If the answer is no, then DO NOT give them dessert. Honestly, they do not need it. They eat at a ward members home almost every night. So if every ward member gives them dessert they are having dessert almost every night. That is a lot of dessert! That is a lot of extra calories! That is more junk in the trunk.

Now I know you want our missionaries to be well fed, and they will be. You just do not need to go the extra mile piling on the food, or giving them dessert. Let them put the food on their plate, and lose the dessert. It still will be a great meal, and they will leave full and happy.

Sincerely,
A Missionary Mom whose daughter does not want more junk in the trunk.

Senior Soccer Tribute

This Tuesday, May 25, my daughter will have her final home soccer game. This night comes with mixed emotions. To see how far she has come in the last few years is nothing short of amazing.

Mandy has not played soccer for most of her life. In fact, when her high school season finishes, she will have completed her sixth year of soccer. Unlike most kids who have played since they were five or six, Mandy did not start soccer until she was twelve years old.

Mandy’s soccer journey began in 2012, the summer before she started seventh grade. It started somewhat haphazardly as all the teams were filled up, and no one wanted a player on their team who did not have experience with soccer. Luckily, I knew a coach at church that coached competitively. Although his team was full he agreed to let Mandy come to the team practices so she could learn soccer and develop her skills.

That summer Mandy worked hard. She conditioned with the team, practiced with the team, and conditioned and practiced on her own. She broke her arm at soccer camp that year, and continued to go to practices. As summer came to an end the coach approached Mandy and offered Mandy a spot on the team, but under one-condition—she would need to be in goal for one-half of each game. Mandy hesitantly agreed, not because she was not willing to be a goalkeeper, but because she had no idea what to do. However, her coach set time aside each week, and they practiced, and this was where Mandy became a goalkeeper. It also is where she started her love for goalkeeping. After that season she quit playing field, and went into the goal full-time.

Fast-forward to the summer of 2014, and Mandy is trying out to start her second year at OFC in Omaha. She makes the team, but this year the coach changes up some things. Mandy is going to play field half of the time, and be in goal half of the time. We are right back to where Mandy was when she first started to play. Mandy is excited for the change. It will improve her skills as a keeper. However, this change causes her to speculate if maybe she should play field instead of being a keeper. Then in walks the biggest influence in Mandy’s goalkeeper life—Seb Furness.

I will never forget the first practice Mandy had with Seb. She had been going back and forth about possibly playing field full time, and then she went to the first goalkeeper practice of the season. When I picked her up she was so excited. She had a renewed energy. All she could talk about was how much she loved being a keeper, and how great it was. After that practice, over time, she started to talk to Seb, and share with him her dreams for soccer, and what she would like to achieve. This was huge, because other than me Mandy had never told anyone about her soccer dreams.

Seb guided Mandy to help achieve her dreams. He allowed her to go to extra practices, and push herself to become a better goalkeeper. At times, he had to keep her from pushing herself so hard. Over the next two years Seb worked with Mandy not only as her goalkeeper coach, but also eventually as her team coach. He got her with other coaches in the club, who eventually utilized Mandy on their teams. From this Mandy learned the different coaching styles, but also found that other coaches appreciated her and had confidence in her abilities.

In the Spring of 2016 Seb left the club and the colleges he had been working for in the area to become the assistant coach at Colorado State University. I remember that day well, because I had a daughter who came home in a torrid of tears—those tears continued off and on for several weeks. Mandy did not just lose a coach, but she lost a mentor and someone that had the complete confidence in her that she could fulfill her dreams. That belief and Mandy’s hard work ethic perpetuated her to much bigger things. I often wonder what would have happened had Seb not come into Mandy’s life.

As Mandy’s senior year comes to a close I remember that twelve-year-old who told me she wanted to play soccer. I think of where she was then, all the struggles she has overcome, and how far she has come in such a short time. There will probably be a few tears Tuesday night as an era comes to an end. But in a few short months Mandy will begin playing soccer at the college of her choice. With a new chapter on the horizon, the future looks bright.

Bar Exam - Take Two

It’s late Saturday evening and I start to get a runny nose. At first I do not think anything of it, but as the evening progresses into night it gets worse. By the end of the night I can tell I am getting sick. The timing could not be worse. I am a week and two days away from taking the bar exam, and I have one more week of intense study I need to accomplish. I wake up Sunday so sick that all I want to do is sleep. —fatigue, headache, runny nose. I end up missing church Sunday, which kind of freak’s me out. Going to church is my solace, my reprieve from studying, and a spiritual uplifting.

The week turns out to be a struggle. I am sick all week. I end up sleeping, studying, sleeping each day for an entire week. I fall behind in my studying, not too much, but enough to cause me concern. On Sunday I am still sick, but go to church—sick or not I need spiritual nourishment. Later that evening my home teachers come and give me a blessing and anointing. The blessing was exactly what I needed to help clear my mind and get me through the next few days.

When I wake up the next morning my mind is clear, my head does not hurt, and I feel less fatigued. I can actually think and study without sleeping. Although I am still sick, I am able to focus on one last subject before leaving to take the exam. Later that evening I arrive at my hotel room, and my roommate is already there studying. We catch up on life, and review a few concepts. As we talked I shared this scripture with her “But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you.” (John14:26) This scripture means everything to me. It is why I am writing this today. That night shortly before going to bed I had a thought to look up the business judgment rule (BJR). At some point either that night or in the morning I looked it up, and I memorized it. Just a few hours later I ended up needing it.

For two-days I took the worst exam in the world—for a second time. It was gross, there were things I did not know exactly, but knew a little, and some things I did not know at all. One thing I knew for certain was the BJR. While I took the exam, I was still sick. I had to take cough drops, and blow my nose. However, I was not tired (not until it was over), and I had a clear mind. Things were brought to my conscience that amazed me I could recall. It was like the scripture said the holy ghost brought “things to [my] remembrance.”

I left the exam exhausted, and pretty sure I did not pass. In fact, for about a week if you asked me I would have told you I did not pass. However, this is how we lose our faith and become discouraged, when we lose hope. I did a turnabout, and instead just let others know I do not know how I did, but I am hopeful. Next week the results are supposed to come out. I am still not sure what the results will be, but I am hopeful. Hopeful I passed, and hopeful I can practice law in Nebraska soon.

What if I do not pass? I am currently licensed to practice law in Iowa, and will begin looking for a job there. However, I am eligible to work in seventeen other states, and will look jobs in those states as well. I am not going to retake the bar. I am an attorney now, and I can practice law, which is part of my dream being realized. Pass or fail I know that heavenly father helped me that day, I know he guided me, and I know he brought thing to “my remembrance.” If I did not pass, well . . . it just was not meant to be, because he was there with me every step of the way.

It's Over

I am done studying! No more law school, and no more bar exam. I took the bar this week (Tuesday and Wednesday), and now it's over. I will get the results April 5th. In the interim I have lots of thoughts, and I am hoping that I eventually translate them to the blog. Only time will tell.

You're Not Alone

When things do not go my way, or how I planned I always seem to be able to see the positive to the situation. However, just because I see the positive does not mean there will not be some sadness or confusion to the situation. I just try not to dwell on it too much and move on. However, recently I have struggled in this area. With the loss of my job, I have been searching for understanding. Understanding as to why I had the job, why go through the process of getting licensed in Iowa, and many other questions. Needless to say I have not exactly gotten the answer to these questions. Yet I continue to go forward, and trust Heavenly Father will guide me on the path I need to go. This has been difficult, because I have no idea what I am supposed to do, or what Heavenly Father would like me to do, so I only hope and pray I am heading in the right direction. This has weighed down on my, and his weight has caused an immense amount of sadness as I struggle to understand the purpose or reason for my current circumstances. Many times I have dropped to my knees looking for understanding, solace, peace, and guidance. I know that Heavenly Father is there, and I need to trust the plan he has set out for me, but it has not been easy.

The week prior to Thanksgiving was especially difficult.,There were many days I drove to work with tears streaming down my cheeks, praying for help and guidance. During one of these prayers, I was feeling so alone, and prayed that one person would take the time to say they were thinking of me--just one. I needed to know that I was not alone, because right then I felt very alone. I knew God was there, but I needed something, some way he could reach out to others to let them know I was in need. I needed to see I was not alone.

Heavenly Father answered my prayer, and it came in just the way I needed. Midweek I received a text from someone in the ward saying, "Been thinking about you today. I hope you are doing well." That was all I needed, this was the message that let me know that I was not alone, but it did not stop there. A couple of days later I received another text from a close friend thanking me for being there for her throughout the bar--a reminder to me that heavenly father was thinking of me. Another reminder, another way to let me know I was not alone. On several occasions I was guided to a talk by President Uchtdorf' "Being Grateful in any Circumstances." I read it several times, it helped, but despite these manifestations, I continued to feel a burden of deep sadness. It helped to know Heavenly Father was there for me, but I struggled to overcome the deep sadness I was feeling of not achieving my dreams or goals at this time. 

Because of this I decided I needed to be more proactive in my overcoming these feelings. I woke up Sunday, and decided I would fast and pray for help. I turned to the Lord asking him to help me overcome these feelings, and to feel the peace that I knew was there waiting. This was not going to be easy, because part of my time fasting was going to be at the homeless shelter doing food prep. However, I made it through the day, and was blessed. The talks in church were direct reminders of Christ's Atonement, and how he can help us in our sorrows. My lesson in primary focused on Moroni chapter 7, a great reminder of having faith, hope and charity--it also happened to focus on my favorite scripture. I also had the opportunity to serve others, However, one of the biggest helps came after church.

After church I had the opportunity to talk to a friend and colleague from another ward. He described to me his journey as he began his career in law--the ups and downs, as well as the journey trying to figure out where he was to practice law. His story helped me better understand my journey, and the process, and that I am not alone. The most poignant part of our conversation was at the end when he told me "you've been on my mind." Those were the words I needed to hear. Those were the words that told me Heavenly Father was looking out for me, he was watching over me, and he cared.

 Throughout this last week, I have been touched by Heavenly Father in many different ways, and had small and tender mercies provided to me showing me how much Heavenly Father loves and cares for me. Although the peace did not come immediately, it did come. I know the journey is not going to be easy, but I also know that I am not alone, and I am grateful for the small blessings I received throughout the last week showing me I am not alone.

Just Keep Swimming

It seems like despite everything going crazy around me, that I keep getting message of hope, to carry forward. All week my login screen was a picture of tropical fish, and in the center it said, "keep on swimming--Dory." It reminded me of the movie and how this small little fish kept going, she kept swimming. Each day I saw this it was a reminder to not give up, to keep on moving. It was the encouragement I need to get through the day.

Although things are not perfect, they are better than last week. I had an interview Wednesday for a law clerk position, and got the job. It's only 15 hours a week, but it will help. In the mean time, I will keep looking, and hopefully something will turn up. The plus side is it will allow me to study for the bar more than I had originally planned. My little family is being watched over.

Last night my fish disappeared, and today on my phone I saw this.

"Our destiny is not determined by the number of times we stumble, but by the number of times we rise up, dust ourselves off, and move forward." --Dieter F. Uchtdorf (You can do it now)

So today I dust myself off, and keep on swimming.

Not My Will, But Thy Will

 A lot of my focus in life is living the way Christ and Heavenly Father would want me to live. Following the path that they have planned for me, and trusting in the process. This is much easier said than done. Sometimes it can be scary trying to figure out exactly what it is I am supposed to be doing and what direction I need to go. However, when I follow, and I trust in the process I have never been let down.

A great example of this is how I ended up working at Ancestry.com. The housing market had crashed, and unemployment was high—jobs were scarce. I had just become a causality of the times, and lost my job due to downsizing. A job became available at Ancestry.com, but is was in the call center. This job would cut my income by more than half of what I had been earning before. I prayed about the job, and decided to take it not knowing what the future would bring. It was humbling working in a call center, but I knew it was the right place to be. Within less than a year I was promoted out of the call center, and into corporate increasing my wages close to what I had been earning before. During this time, I became a single mom. It turns out by working at ancestry.com I not only had the financial capabilities of providing for my family, but the flexibility. I could go to work early, and leave early if necessary. This turned out to be valuable when it came to being with my daughter. I could attend her school functions, and when she got a severe concussion and had to stay home for a month. I had the opportunity to work from home as I needed. This would have been difficult anywhere else. By trusting in God, and trusting in the process everything turned out for the best.

This brings me today. Having failed the Nebraska bar by less than a point, I wondered what I was to do next. Do I take the bar, or do I try to get licensed in one of the fifteen other states I was eligible to work? Not sure I decided to reach out and do some networking in Iowa, and see what the results would be. I chose Iowa, because it borders where I live, and I would not have to move my daughter her senior year.

The networking paid off, and within a week I found a job forty to fifty minutes away from my home. The way the job became available, I knew this was the right place, and I knew God had put me on the path he intended for now. I quickly sent off my $525, along with my application, to the Iowa bar admissions and began work immediately.

Although I could not practice law immediately. I could be a law clerk while I awaited the approval of my bar application. This allowed me many great opportunities to go to court, draft various documents, and get to know criminal law—not an area I had practice before. However, it did not take long for me to realize that I was not going to be at the job if I had expected. Things were not what they had seemed, or what I had been told. I prayed for guidance, as things began to turn less than optimal. My decision was to begin looking for a new job. The plan was to being looking this weekend. It turned out that my decision was expedited.

On Friday, around noon, my boss told me that he had decided he did not want to grow his firm. He had taken me on to see if he wanted an associate, and decided this was not the direction he wanted to go. My work he said was fine, and I would be an excellent lawyer, but he wanted to keep things small. However, he would be happy to assist me in any way he could in finding a job. That was it. The job was over, and I no longer had an income coming in. In addition, I had just stopped getting food stamps because I was working. Then there was the $525 for a license I would not be using anytime soon. As well as some other expenditures, I had made because I did have a steady income that I had not planned on being cut short. Luckily I got ahold of SNAP, and had my food stamps reinstated. As far as the license, I’m still waiting on the background check, so I cannot work as an attorney now, and thank goodness I applied to retake the bar in February.

I have felt lost throughout this time. I knew that I needed to leave the job. I knew that it was not right for me, but originally it was. But why? What was the purpose heavenly father had in mind? Why did he put me at that job, and then allow it to go away? What am I supposed to do? I feel so lost, and unsure of the direction I am supposed to go. What is it the lord wants me to do?

Then it came to me today as I woke up. Luke 22:42-43, “not my will, but thine, be done.” The thing that I have said throughout my entire law school journey. I would do whatever it is he has planned for me to do. As I read verse 43 the following stood out, an “angel from heaven [will] strengthen [you].” Despite the fact I do not know what to do. Despite the fact I have no idea of the result, I know that heavenly father will be here for me. He will strengthen me, support me, and take me on the best path. Yes, it is scary, yes I feel lost, and yes I am somewhat confused as to where I am supposed to go. But right now, I feel comforted, because I know he will not lead me wrong, and he will be there for me every step of the way.

It Was Not Easy

In 47 days I will graduate from law school. Although it has gone by fast, in some way sit seems so long ago that I started--my first year of school seems like a distant memory. The journey has been a lot harder than I expected. There has been a lot of lost sleep, stress, and lonely times. As a single mom law school can be an isolating an experience. When you are not studying, you are attending your child's activities, and caring for your family. This includes cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping and general upkeep of the house, oh and don't forget the carpooling, school events, parent teacher conferences, committees you volunteer on, late nights as your child does their homework, and late nights listening to your child--trying to be a good parent. There have been many times I have jokingly said I would like to have a wife, just so I could have time to do a few of the things I enjoy the most. Law school is about sacrifices, and both my daughter and I have made many sacrifices along the way.

No, it has not been easy. I have had people belittle me, talk about me behind my back. make fun of me, and criticize me in some very malicious ways. It has made for a very hard, lonely road at times. However, along this lonely journey I have come to know some really great people who have helped me along the way. There was the home teacher and his wife that supported and cared for my daughter and I, giving us someone to turn to when we needed it most. The best friend at school who stood by my side during some of the toughest times. The "Angel" who gave my daughter the cutest clothes when she learned my daughter had out grown her clothes, and I had no way to provide her with new ones. The professor who took the extra step of listening, in a week when the whole world seemed to be crushing down, not only listening, but taking action to help. The professor who rallied the staff to stand behind one of their own, a feat I will never forget, Finally, there was the community of lawyers who saw a need and reached out and helped someone they did not know.

Law school has not been easy, in fact it has probably been one of the most difficult things I have done to date. But I would not change a thing. This experience has caused me to grow, to stretch, and become a new person--one I hope that will succeed in helping others. No, it was not easy, but in the long-run it will be worth it.

Happy Mother's Day to My Second Mom

I lost my mom over twenty years ago.  There is nothing worse than losing a parent.  They are the ones who love you, teach you and are there for you to lean on.  I felt so lost and alone when my mom died.  I was pregnant and just about to have my first child.  I was embarking on an unknown world and did not have anyone there to help me.  Then along came Lynda.  She took my phone calls, with questions about “is this normal” in the pregnancy.  She traveled a couple of hours to the hospital after I had my baby, she was there for me.  Her being there for me didn’t end there.  As the years passed, it became more than simple phone calls.  It became a shoulder to cry on as I struggled through an abusive marriage, a crashing economy, and a child with a mental illness.  The cheerleader as I took on new life adventures.  She gave me a home to stay in when I became a single mom with a baby, $1,000 and nowhere to go.  She helped me through times when no one else was there.  She became my mom.

Thank you Lynda, for being my mom.  Thank you for loving me, caring for me and being the person I can turn to.  Happy Mother’s Day.  I love you.

Nebraska and Law School

Well it's been 7 weeks since Mandy and I arrived in Nebraska.  I thought I would get to write in my blog, but we literally hit the ground running.  We arrived on Friday and unloaded the moving van that evening.  The next two days were spent unpacking boxes and getting Mandy's stuff together to start school on Monday.  Mandy started school on Monday and I started on Thursday.  I think that is the fastest I have ever gotten unpacked and settled into a home.

Orem 6th ward helping pack the van

I towed this all by myself

Moving in

Our home is a small apartment, much different than the 4 bedroom home we lived in, in Orem.  However, I like how small it is, it means I have a lot less to clean up.  Which with the way my schedule is there is not a lot of time for cleaning.  My day starts early (5 am) to get Mandy to seminary by 6 am and me to school.  I usually get home at 4 pm and then have a break for an hour before it's off to soccer practice, or more studying.  Actually most of the time I am studying.  I have learned to study in the car, at choir concerts and soccer games.  For the most part every waking moment is spent studying--at least it feels that way.

First Day of School

Nebraska has it's pluses and minuses.  The plus, everyone here is really nice. There are a lot of smiles and hellos when you see people.  The minus, it is very bike antagonistic. Because there are only a few trails here and they are far away I have to ride road.  The roads here do not have shoulders, so you have to ride the sidewalk and back out of the way roads to get to country roads that have fewer drivers on it than in town.  Even the country roads do not have shoulders, but at least there are fewer cars on them.

Oh yes, and also the trees are still green here.  I love getting on facebook and seeing all the fall pictures.  I keep wondering what fall will be like here, but I can't imagine it is better than Utah.

Push Play

It has been almost 2 years since my last post, and a lot has happened since my accident and since my last post.  In the last 2 years I got a promotion at work, moved to a new home, took almost a year to recover from my bike accident, got a divorce and the biggest update...I was accepted to law school!!

In a week and a half Mandy and I will be moving to Omaha, Nebraska, so I can attend law school.  It is a bitter sweet moment for me.  I am excited about achieving a long desired dream, but I am sad to be leaving a place I love so much.  It is hard to leave the people I have come to love and care for so much.  It is hard to leave the mountains.  I am so lucky to wake up every morning and see the beauty right outside my window.  It is hard to leave a place I know so well and feel so comfortable.

However, with all the difficulties and the sadness of leaving I am on to a new adventure.  And that is the reason for updating my blog.  The best way to let everyone know about my new adventures I will be taking on will be through my blog.  So have fun reading and keep in touch.  It's time to push 'Play' on this blog!

Friends - Snow Basin Crash

The final ICup race.  The race that determined which team would take home the team cup and who would win the overall for the season.  For me there was no chance for any overall win, but it was a chance to put my legs to the test and ride a course I knew I could do well on.

Our start was a group start with the Men 57+, and the 13-15 years old.  My plans for this race was to take the first climb at a relaxed pace, the second climb put a little bit more umph to it, and then when I hit the singletrack to just pound.  Everything went as planned.  By the end of the first climb I was in last--no worries because I knew this was my course.  End of the second climb I passed on rider and entered into the singletrack with no one in sight.  I began to pound working my way along the course.  After a bit I began to worry I had let everyone get too far ahead and I might not catch them, but then I saw it.  I puff of dirt.  A good sign there were riders close by.

I continued to pound and soon was rewarded.  I saw riders.  Little by little I began to pass each rider.  And my thanks to each rider, this is the first time during an ICup race I didn't have to beg and plead to pass.  I began to pass women in my division.  Each of them were awesome and let me by.  After a moment I had worked my way from last to 3rd place.  I couldn't believe it.  I was feeling good, my legs were working well and I thought I could definitely hold this pace without blowing up.  Of course somewhere in the back of my mind came the thought "it's 2 laps, anything can happen in 2 laps".  Actually I have this thought every race, it's what keeps me going.

My race is going well, when I reach a little bit more of a climb than I planned for.  I slow down a bit, but still things are going well.  Then I hear a rider behind ask to pass--of course she is in my division.  I let her go without too much concern, because I knew in the next half mile I would be passing her back and I knew I could totally kill the downhill leaving her and others far behind.  We hit a nice flat spot again and my speed increased I decide now is the time to catch the girl that passed me not too long ago.  I hit a nice turn with a quick up, so I shift and go to pedal hard and that's it.  That's the last thing I remember. 

I don't remember flying through the air.  Not a thing, no seeing the ground, no flying through the air--I remember nothing.  I don't remember Colleen screaming.  The only reason I know she screamed is she told me.  The first thing I remember is hitting my head on rocks really hard.  So hard the first thought that came to my mind was "that's the hardest I've hit my helmet, I bet I broke it" Then the rest of my body hit and it was an instant shock to my spine, leg and hip.  My hip had hit a rock so hard that I knew I was not leaving that spot.  I lay there as Colleen asked me if I was okay.  Normally by this time I would have jumped up, said I was fine and took off.  Unfortunately this was not the case.  My response was no, I've hurt my hip and can't get up.

I stayed where I was and soon the rest of the women in my division rode up.  These women were great.  Marian took off to tell the course marshal's there had been and accident, Kory and Kat helped to slow down riders as they came around the blind corner, and Colleen kept the bugs off of me, kept checking to make sure I was doing okay and let the riders know to stop and get off to go around me. Eventually she and Kat stood right over me to keep riders from riding by me and to protect me from getting hurt.  For those who were at the race you know I was in a percarious place right by a group of rocks, and the safest way around me was to go around me--not ride around me, but get off and walk around me.   Apparently 2 riders thought the race was too important to take the 2 extra seconds to go around me and rode right up the rocks by me.  One slip and they would have landed on me and hurt me worse.  That is what led to Kat and Colleen standing over me.

While we waited the gals kept me entertained--good and bad, because laughing really hurt.  We had to wait a really long time for the EMT's to arrive--by long time, I mean long enough I believe almost every division passed us by before the EMT's got to me.  Which was fine, I wasn't going anywhere.  While waiting there wasn't one rider that didn't offer to help or show their concern as I laid stretched out across the trail. Each offered theirs words of concern and support.  There were many willing to give up their race to help and assist me.  We sent them on their way the Sport Women had it covered. 

When the EMT's arrived that's when it started to get really interesting.  By interesting I mean they started to assess my injuries.  It was then I discovered I hurt more than just my hip.  Ouch my shoulder hurt and yes my kneck is tender, oh and yeah those ribs don't feel too hot either.  Once the assessment was overwe had to wait for the rest of search and rescue to arrive.  While waiting the EMT explained to me they were going to backboard me and take me to the ambulance and then the ambulance would take me to the hospital.  I didn't like this idea and told them I needed to be dropped off at Snow Basin.  Colleen then gave me the motherly "Kendra you need to go to the hospital" talk.  She was right, but I really didn't want to leave--of course this thought left my mind the instant they backboarded me.

The crash it hurt, but not near as bad as the rest of the stuff I went through.  When they backboarded me I was screaming and crying in pain.  You see the whole right side of my body was injured from my shoulder all the way down my leg and there was no way they could get me on without pushing on an area that was injured.  Once on the board they secured me so tight there was no way I was going to budge an inch.  I was so disappointed I cried, I know that's dumb, but it just made me feel like such a wimp.  Collen and the girls made sure I got all of my stuff.  They kept search and rescue from cutting my camelbak, helped with my glasses and broken helmet and then made sure my bike was rescued too.  You see I kept worrying about my bike. 

I won't tell you the rest of the trip was good, because it wasn't.  The ride to the ambulance and the ride to the hospital was very painful.  And all the tests, cat scans and xrays were not without pain.  My initial diagnosis ended up with a mild concussion, whip lash, deep tissue bruising to my hip, bruised ribs and unknown to my shoulder.  I saw the sports medicine doctor on Monday and the diagnosis on the shoulder changed to broken scapula.  Two weeks later after an MRI and only mild improvement the diagnosis on the shoulder became a torn laberal and seperation of the ACL, no broken scapula.  It took almost 2 weeks before I was able to sit up for a good lenght of time, but little by little I have been feeling much better.  Surgery is next week and then I will be back on the bike about 6 weeks later--just in time for cross season.  A funny side note,there are no pictures.  Apparently none of us take our cameras with us during a race.

The part that will always remain with me was the kindness of each rider on the trail and all of the women in my division that gave up their race and placing to help me.  I always knew I raced with a cool bunch of women, but that day they proved just how really cool they were.  Last year I stopped my race to help another racer, this year it was returned ten fold.  I can't tell you how priveledged I feel to know these women as well as all the other riders who showed their concern and caring during and after the race.  I always knew the mountain bike community was great, but now it has been proven. 

The Interview

A lot of you know my ups and downs with jobs the last few years.  Housing industry crashed, position eliminated, company downsized.  Enough job instability to make a person nervous.  However, with all that said I have always been able to find a job and feel fortunate to be working, but my current job is not my dream job.

It is a good company I work for.  They take good care of their employees, there are good benefits, however, it does not utilize the majority of my skills--I spend most of my time on the phone all day.  This company has great stability and good opportunity for growth, so   I was hoping eventually I would have the chance for an in house transfers but those opportunities have been very few and far between.  So finally last week I decided perhaps it was time to look and see what else was available.  I did and I found my dream job--one that makes your eyes get as big as saucers.

The position is for a sports secretary.  For those who know how much I love sports and also those who know how much I love to make reports, type, organize and do office work you know this is the perfect job for me.  I applied without much hope of getting an interview, because well the fact of the matter is the job market is tough and a lot of people are looking.  Guess what!!!  I got an interview!!!

I interviewed today and the interview went well.  It is not often I leave an interview and feel like things went well.  In fact, I usually leave thinking I totally botched the interview.  But this time I left happy with how I did.  I was able to talk about my skills and experience, and there should be no doubt how much I love sports and helping others in their sports endeavors.  However, that in no way makes me think the people I interviewed thought I did a good job.  They may think I am totally not right for the position (although I would definitely would disagree with them).  But it is not often I actually feel like I did well at something.  So I guess that is why I am writing, because today something went well and it is fun to share.

PC50

To start with this was the most emotional finish I have ever had in a race.  Crossing the finish line I was filled with so much emotion over meeting my goal and overcoming so many obsticles fromm the past and the present I ended up choking up and then crying as I crossed the line.  This race meant so much to me and because of it I know this will go down as one race I will never forget and hold dear to my heart.

Leading up to the Race
Two weeks prior to the PC50 I felt great.  In fact, I felt right on track after I finished racing USCS Round Valley race.  I had raced at an even pace and when I finished I felt good.  I had a lot of energy and knew I could keep on riding.  I knew I had two more weeks of preperation, so I felt confident things were going to go well at the PC50.  Boy can things change quickly.

Three days after round valley I discover my sinus infection was back.  I don't know about others, but when I have a sinus infection I am sooooo tired.  I immediately went to the doctor and he gave me a shot as well as a prescription, so I could kick it in time for the race.  I left relieved knowing it would not be long before I felt better.

Apparently my body had other ideas.  That same evening I had an ovarian cyst rupture.  The pain was bad enough I eventually ended up in the ER, and was throwing up from the pain.  The ER doctor sent me home with some pain meds and instructions to see my doc the next day.  Which I did since the pain was still very intense and I need pain meds every four hours.  It was there I found out it was a pretty large cyst and it could take up to 2 weeks before the pain went away.  Okay, so now I am just a little stressed.  I realize I am a week away from the race and I am taking pain meds every 4 hours because I hurt so bad, and it may be a bit before the pain subsides. 

Little by little the pain began to subside, but it was not until the Tuesday before the race I could quit taking pain medication (by pain medication I mean the stuff the doctor prescribes)  The abdominal pain contninued, but was now manageable without pain meds.  I figured I would try a ride on Tuesday to see how I faired, and let's just say it was not pretty.  Trying gasping, and struggling just to ride up Spiro.  I went home realizing this was going to be a tough week. 

The rest of the week I was only able to work half days and then I would have to go home and rest in bed, because it really hurt to sit.  Another stress, I was wondering how I was going to sit on a bike for 50 miles when I could barely sit in an office chair for 4 hours.  I guess I was going to find out.

The Race
The race started out slow, and so did I.  I was going to take it at a very low pace working on keeping my abdominal pains at a minimal and hoped it all worked out.  It turned out this put me at the very back of the pack.  For once this did not bother me.  I just plugged along the climbing the hill making sure I did not over exert myself.  Oh, and while I was climbing I kept thinking "I ski down these slopes!".  Skiin at PC has it's benefits.  I may not know the singletrack at PC, but anytime we hit double track I recognized the slope and knew what to expect.

A lot of good things happened to me during this race.  Lyna and I ran into a group of racers going into single track after making a wrong turn.  This meant we didn't make a wrong turn.  We ended up passing everyone in that train and continuing on to the first aid station.  I refilled at the first aid station losing Lyna, but getting what I needed to make it to the second aid station.   Aid station two Jen Hanks helped me get my camel bak, water bottle and gels ready.  Without her I probably would still be trying to fill up my camel bak.  I was able to kill the downs and pass a lot of people on the trail both up and down.  On mid-mountain I rode with Carl Irwin, his knowledge of the trail and what to expect got me to aid station three and then on to the home stretch.

This race was hard.  My abdomen hurt during most of the ride and because I was compromised abdominally my lower back hurt too.  And as much as I love going downhill mid-mountain can really beat you up.  So much to the point you lose all feeling in your hand.  Although it was hard, and although I really hurt by the end I accomplished everything I had set out to do, and that was to finish.  This race was about overcoming more than just the last two weeks of physical aliments, this race was about overcoming all past aliments and proving they were in the past.  So crossing the line not only proved I could do it, it proved I was not going to let them keep me down.